The World Junior Championship’s opening round finishes today and the United States has not yet been awarded the gold medal. Investigation by Sleeping Giant’s band of patriots confirms that the US team has been eliminated from the medal round by anti-American factions operating at the highest level of the IIHF.

Sleeping Giant can confirm large payments of monopoly money and beaver pelts to officials at the IIHF to make this disappointing event possible. In response to this travesty the US has considered moving to Division 1 and depriving TSN of the valuable American TV audience.