‘Twas the night ‘fore World Juniors, and all throughout Ufa
People were wondering just what Canada’s good for.
If you hate dirty hockey, or evil incarnate,
Know Canada’s the place where both things were started.
Their players were all sleeping, no books had they read,
Because the CHL’s bylaws said they must be rockheads.
Steve Spott in his ‘kerchief, dozed lightly at first,
Not even once realizing his team was the worst.
When out on the rink there arose such a clatter,
A bunch of weak Germans all found their blood splattered.
The US had come to win some more gold,
A sight which we know never really grows old.
Red lights they shined onto goaltenders’ necks,
Another foreign team’s hopes oh-so-easily wrecked.
When what to our wondering eyes should appear,
But an almighty squad, with some very good players.
With a famous, mean driver, so smart and beloved,
Other teams didn’t know they faced death from above.
Phil Housley, a terror in his playing days,
Was coaching the US, calling player’s names.
“Now Murphy! Now Miller! Now Trouba and Gaudreau!
On Seth Jones! On Seiloff! On Galchenyuk and Bardreau!
To the top of table, to the top of the world,
Let’s make these dumb Russians look like 12-year-old girls!”
As Canadian losers before Americans cry,
When they meet with an obstacle, they would much rather die.
So on up the standings America flew,
All countries are crap compared to Red, White, and Blue.
And then in a twinkling, TSN’s commenters breathed
A bunch of bold lies; we were rather aggrieved.
They called Canada favored, and the Russians were next,
This sure wasn’t logic. We found ourselves vexed.
They said that Boone Jenner was a saintly young man,
Which of course coincided with the Canadian plan
To injure opponents, you knew they would dare.
Since they couldn’t win otherwise, they’d never play fair.
As America piled up its goals and wins,
People still scoffed about that “loss” to the Finns.
They of course didn’t realize that it was all a ruse,
Because in what other way could America lose?
Phil Housley’s plan sparkled! It all looked so easy!
But that’s how it goes when you have players like Jim Vesey.
The round robin decisive, the Canadians ousted.
But don’t play the US if you don’t want to be rousted.
It was on to the medal round, to take on the Swedes,
And America jumped out to a five-nothing lead.
The reigning gold medalists were humiliated,
Coach Housley’s ploy worked: “USA? Underrated!”
The gold medal game now loomed rather large,
But hockey fans the world over knew who’d be in charge.
It was Grimaldi and Grzelcyk, and Biggs and McCabe,
In net, Johnny Gibson might not need to make saves
The final? It ended with a nice win, predictably
And it seemed that America once again had made history.
The Star Spangled Banner the former commies did play,
Then the victorious team made a quick getaway.
Housley sprang to his plane, to his team gave a whistle,
The US leveled Ufa, like a Patriot Missile.
And I heard the coach laugh, as they flew out of sight,
“It seems you all doubted America’s might.”