America reaffirms universal truth: Hockey is ours

Come see how good America looks.

Come see how good America looks.

It didn’t take a genius to guess what a motivated and, frankly, angry American team would do to a pathetic opponent Canada after losing by a single goal in the wholly meaningless preliminary round. The United States took the ice with purpose and routed the supposedly-favored neighbors (notice the lack of a U) to the north 5-1, in a game that shouldn’t have even been that close.

However, we’re not going to sit here and roll around in “We-Told-You-Sos” and “We-Were-Rights” and “You-Were-Wrongs” and “Your-Country-Is-Awfuls” and “Your-Players-Should-Be-Ashameds” and “We-Love-Your-Excuse-Makings” and “America-Kicked-The-Dogturds-Out-Of-Yous” and “You-Deserved-Its” and “We’re-So-Glad-You-Woke-Up-At-4-A.M.-To-Watch-That-Putrid-Performances” and “We-Own-Hockeys.” We, as Americans, have far too much dignity to stoop the that level. Instead, we’ll let the goals do the talking.

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USA wins, Canada loses, Earth spins on its axis

Not pictured: A DAZZLING GOAL!!!!

If you hadn’t yet taken the time to set your watch to America winning every one of its World Junior games with hilarious ease, now might be the time to do it.

As any reasonable non-Canadian (sorry to be redundant) could have told you before the game began, The Red, White, and Blue took down Sweden on the road in its first warmups for a gold-medal strut in UFA beginning a week from today. Goals from true patriots and great heroes Connor Murphy, Ryan Hartman and Shaye Gostisbehere set the stage for the win, as did the high-quality goaltending of Garret Sparks and Jon Gillies, the latter of whom got the win in making 18 saves on 19 shots.

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