This is why you never start Ondrej Pavelec

Keep on rollin'.

Keep on rollin’.

The thinking behind giving Ondrej Pavelec the second consecutive start on a back-to-back against the Mighty United States was one that any human being with even a passing understanding of how water freezes into the ice on which a hockey game is played could have told you was questionable at the very best.

Then Pavelec proved every one of his doubters ever 100 percent correct. Four goals against, in just 29 minutes and change, each more hilarious than the last, and the game already belonged to the ages.

The U.S. advances to the semifinals, as predictably as can be. Thank you to all the goalscorers. There’s nothing left to say about this one. See you Friday for a big W against Canada.

Canada “beats” U.S. *wink*

Look at this lil guy tryin so hard. Adorable.

Look at this adorable lil guy tryin so hard.

If anything, this was a little too sloppily-executed for our liking.

The US clearly went into this game with the plan being, “Just let these poor illiterate kids see what it’s like to beat a real team,” like when college football teams let 7-year-olds with terminal illnesses rush for a touchdown and get carried off the field. But this just wasn’t good enough from the Red, White, and Blue.

When you allow someone win, you’re supposed to make it look natural, but Connor Carrick ruined any suspension of disbelief the average non-Canadian viewer might have had when he didn’t score on a late breakaway. I mean, did you see the goals Zach Fucale gave up today? That’s the kind of goaltending Canada typically deals with, not these spectacular toe saves. The plan, as relayed to us by our loyal operatives, was to make it appear as though he hit a rut and let the puck glide lazily into Fucale’s pads. People would buy that a netminder as low-functioning as him could stop a roller going five miles an hour. That toe save though? We’d believe Jon Gillies could do it, sure, but not Fucale. In fact, not any Canadian.

It’s like the scenes in early Godzilla movies in which you can see it’s just a guy in a cheap costume. Takes you out of your viewing experience and makes you think, “Oh right, this is all fake.”

The IIHF’s officials dutifully played their part as well, whistling the U.S. for three “penalties” in the third period, but they too messed up in not calling Canada for any. Again, this is all wink-nudge stuff, but it’s possible that even some of those Canadian kids can’t be dumb enough to think this went as well for them as the final scoreline would appear. The U.S. power play entered the game lethal at nearly 60 percent, but went 0-fer today. Yeah, okay, sure. The U.S. had taken the fewest penalties in the tournament through three games, then gives Canada five power plays?

All in all, just bad form from the Americans today. It’s like they weren’t even trying to make this believable. Canadians actually seem to think they earned it. Those poor, dumb sons of bitches.

US lazily crushes Czechs with extreme disinterest

One of the few moments in this game everyone from America was able to stay awake at the same time.

One of a few moments in which everyone from America was able to stay awake at the same time.

The result of this game was never in question, as you might expect, but what was surprising is that the good ol’ US of A had this one wrapped up just 31 seconds into the game.

It was at that time the Czechs took their first penalty, ceding the one of three Superpower Plays, and 50 seconds later, there was a puck in the back of the net courtesy of captain Riley Barber. The rest of the game was academic, and served only as a curiosity; a simultaneous display of American muscle-flexing and largesse. It’s almost too bad Daniel Dolejs, who was actually pretty good in the Czech goal, had to be on the receiving end of this, but then Bikini Atoll had to be on the receiving end of some nuclear tests as well. All for the greater good.

The fact that the game ended only 5-1 has to be seen as a little disappointing, but then one has to keep in mind that this was asking a herd of elephants to do battle with an ant colony. For all intents and purposes, it was over quick — before it even started, if we’re being honest — but it still took time to mop everything up.

Two goals in the first, and again in the second, but the Czechs were either tied or within a single goal for a mere 122 seconds, which you’ll note is not very long at all. The second goal, also on the power play, was Will Butcher’s. Interestingly, no one on the US had more than one point in the game, because nothing says “equality” like spreading the scoring throughout the lineup. In all, 13 different guys had points for the Red, White, and Blue. Probably should have been more, but what’s the point?

The lone goal American Hero and Reigning Gold Medalist Jon Gillies allowed was on a soft power play called late in the game when it didn’t matter even a little, and only came because he really couldn’t be bothered to put down his book. He still finished the game with a .958 save percentage.

Again, it’s hard to get up for a game like this, or care about the result. Yup, it was a win. It never wasn’t one. You could write the postgame quotes yourself, the second the schedule was announced. “It was nice to get our feet under us. In a tournament like this you want to take every opponent seriously and zzzzzzzzzz,” wunderkind Jack Eichel probably said before falling asleep thinking about this pointless and vulgar exercise in power demonstration.

At least things will be a little more entertaining on Saturday when the US plays… Slovakia? Oh for f…

The Great American Hockey Shirt Contest

Hello proud Americans.

If you follow us on Twitter (as is your patriotic duty) you might have noticed that over the past several weeks we’ve been asking people to contribute to something of an “art project,” while providing very little else in the way of details.

Well, now has come the time to reveal what we’ve been working on, with the help of six extraordinary American heroes:

Yes, we’re making t-shirts.

Now, before you think we’ve sold out, or are trying to monetize the obviously-great idea behind this site, please don’t misunderstand. A significant portion of every dollar we get (after our costs, etc.) will be donated to the USA Hockey Foundation.

The organization, just by way of introduction, works to improve USA Hockey in six very distinct ways: Through “participation, opportunity, safety, player development, education and commemoration.” So if you end up supporting American hockey with a Sleeping Giant shirt, you’re also supporting USA Hockey with a donation. That’s a good thing for you to do.

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Wow the US beat the tar out of the Czechs I can’t believe it

Johnny Gaudreau knows America is great!

Johnny Gaudreau knows America is great!

Another former Soviet Bloc country ran up against the mighty Americans today and, as in the late 1980s and early 1990s, was brought to its knees by the superiority of everything that makes the United States of America great. It’s really not even worth getting into just how badly the US clowned the Czech Republic today, except to say that it scored five power play goals and killed all six such opportunities going the other way.

Johnny Gaudreau, proving he was saving it for games that actually mattered, netted a hat trick for the Americans in this 7-0 win, John Gibson shutout. Jacob Trouba four-point night.  JT Miller three points. Riley Barber two goals. And so forth.

Let’s not forget that in playing both sides of the former Czechoslovakia in its last two games, America hung 16 goals on its opponents after only scoring twice against Canada and Russia. The win today was, in fact, so utterly convincing that even arrogant Canadian scumbags on Twitter are saying they expect a good game, just days after deriding the US as being complete shit despite their only getting a 2-1 win thanks to one bad period. Already running scared. What a bunch of clowns.

‘Twas the night ‘fore World Juniors

Have a good holiday unless you are Canadian, in which case don't.

Have a good holiday unless you are Canadian, in which case don’t.

‘Twas the night ‘fore World Juniors, and all throughout Ufa

People were wondering just what Canada’s good for.

If you hate dirty hockey, or evil incarnate,

Know Canada’s the place where both things were started.

 

Their players were all sleeping, no books had they read,

Because the CHL’s bylaws said they must be rockheads.

Steve Spott in his ‘kerchief, dozed lightly at first,

Not even once realizing his team was the worst.

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