This is why you never start Ondrej Pavelec

Keep on rollin'.

Keep on rollin’.

The thinking behind giving Ondrej Pavelec the second consecutive start on a back-to-back against the Mighty United States was one that any human being with even a passing understanding of how water freezes into the ice on which a hockey game is played could have told you was questionable at the very best.

Then Pavelec proved every one of his doubters ever 100 percent correct. Four goals against, in just 29 minutes and change, each more hilarious than the last, and the game already belonged to the ages.

The U.S. advances to the semifinals, as predictably as can be. Thank you to all the goalscorers. There’s nothing left to say about this one. See you Friday for a big W against Canada.

USA wins, Canada loses, Earth spins on its axis

Not pictured: A DAZZLING GOAL!!!!

If you hadn’t yet taken the time to set your watch to America winning every one of its World Junior games with hilarious ease, now might be the time to do it.

As any reasonable non-Canadian (sorry to be redundant) could have told you before the game began, The Red, White, and Blue took down Sweden on the road in its first warmups for a gold-medal strut in UFA beginning a week from today. Goals from true patriots and great heroes Connor Murphy, Ryan Hartman and Shaye Gostisbehere set the stage for the win, as did the high-quality goaltending of Garret Sparks and Jon Gillies, the latter of whom got the win in making 18 saves on 19 shots.

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