US lazily crushes Czechs with extreme disinterest

One of the few moments in this game everyone from America was able to stay awake at the same time.

One of a few moments in which everyone from America was able to stay awake at the same time.

The result of this game was never in question, as you might expect, but what was surprising is that the good ol’ US of A had this one wrapped up just 31 seconds into the game.

It was at that time the Czechs took their first penalty, ceding the one of three Superpower Plays, and 50 seconds later, there was a puck in the back of the net courtesy of captain Riley Barber. The rest of the game was academic, and served only as a curiosity; a simultaneous display of American muscle-flexing and largesse. It’s almost too bad Daniel Dolejs, who was actually pretty good in the Czech goal, had to be on the receiving end of this, but then Bikini Atoll had to be on the receiving end of some nuclear tests as well. All for the greater good.

The fact that the game ended only 5-1 has to be seen as a little disappointing, but then one has to keep in mind that this was asking a herd of elephants to do battle with an ant colony. For all intents and purposes, it was over quick — before it even started, if we’re being honest — but it still took time to mop everything up.

Two goals in the first, and again in the second, but the Czechs were either tied or within a single goal for a mere 122 seconds, which you’ll note is not very long at all. The second goal, also on the power play, was Will Butcher’s. Interestingly, no one on the US had more than one point in the game, because nothing says “equality” like spreading the scoring throughout the lineup. In all, 13 different guys had points for the Red, White, and Blue. Probably should have been more, but what’s the point?

The lone goal American Hero and Reigning Gold Medalist Jon Gillies allowed was on a soft power play called late in the game when it didn’t matter even a little, and only came because he really couldn’t be bothered to put down his book. He still finished the game with a .958 save percentage.

Again, it’s hard to get up for a game like this, or care about the result. Yup, it was a win. It never wasn’t one. You could write the postgame quotes yourself, the second the schedule was announced. “It was nice to get our feet under us. In a tournament like this you want to take every opponent seriously and zzzzzzzzzz,” wunderkind Jack Eichel probably said before falling asleep thinking about this pointless and vulgar exercise in power demonstration.

At least things will be a little more entertaining on Saturday when the US plays… Slovakia? Oh for f…

KGB kidnappings finally cost USA

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If you happen to see the American top line in any dingy basements in Ufa over the next few days, we at the Sleeping Giant would really appreciate it if you could cut them free and return them to the US’s hotel as covertly and soon and possible.

For the second straight game, there wasn’t much to convince us that the Americans’ No. 1 line of Johnny Gaudreau, JT Miller and Rocco Grimaldi were good enough to fill the net with pucks as we’ve seen them do at the college and pro levels, and now we have a pretty good idea why: They have been replaced by Russian body doubles. What other possible reason can you use to explain the fact that they have just one goal and no assists between them in two World Junior games? Hell, Sean Kuraly has more points than that and he’s a third-line guy.

The defense continued to sparkle for the US as you might expect — the first Russian goal, which came on the power play following an incredibly dubious penalty, deflected off both an American stick and a Russian body — and America dictated much of the game, but in the end, it seems all the lasers probably being shined into our brave patriots’ eyes by heartless Russian fans was simply too much to overcome. The precision of American passing was so poor that you’d think it was guided by Soviet computers, and there’s simply no other logical explanation.

We at the Sleeping Giant urge the CIA to run another classic American coup d’etat to unseat this evil Russian government and allow Team USA to rise back to its rightful place atop the Group B standings. That would be great. And if you want to install Brian Gionta as prime minister of Canada while you’re at it, we wouldn’t mind that either.

Sleeping Giant’s Three Stars

1. John Gibson

2. KGB operatives

3. The refs