Eight-nein

The rare German save in its unnatural habitat.

The rare German save in its unnatural habitat.

There’s not a whole lot to say about a game that the scoreline doesn’t scream already. This game was 8-0 and it could have been worse. Period.

Germany gave the Americans 11 power plays, including a pair of what would have been full two-minute 5-on-3s but for the fact that the US scored on both of them, and a five-minute major. So yes, the US had six power play goals and just two at even strength, but what were they supposed to do? Not score? That’s not The American Way. It seems that with the mighty US of A having now scored 11 power play goals on 19 chances (57.9 percent) in three games, the only advice we can give is never take penalties or you will go home crying.

It also helps if you dress a goalie who’s taller than a toddler, but apparently

Top of the group, with breezy wins coming from everyone against whom the so-called vaunted Canadians have struggled. A goal differential of plus-7 at even strength, and plus-15 overall.

This was a massacre. There’s nothing funny to say. Oh boy Canada’s next. Maybe they’ll get up for this one and keep it close. But we’re not counting on it. Make up a sausage joke or something if you want but we’re just kind of sad and bored with the goings-on in Malmö at this point.

US ‘pushed to the limit’ in three-goal win

Get used to it, commie!

Get used to it, commie!

You’re going to hear a lot of talk about how close this game was and based on certain metrics you might even be persuaded that this is the case.

This is the kind of claptrap you’d hear on TSN. Don’t believe the hype.

The Slovaks dove all over the ice early and often in drawing six power plays, of which only maybe one or two were in any way explicable apart from “gross IIHF incompetence/corruption.” They also scored a pair of goals on those six power plays, bringing low the mighty American penalty kill and cutting the lead from 3-0 to 3-2.

Which, by the way, who cares? Again, this game was 3-0 about 24 minutes in, and while the Nervous Nellies and Naysaying Nicks out there might think that having the game be within a goal through 40 should be in some way troubling, the fact of the matter is that this, too, was as foregone a conclusion as Thursday’s breezy win over the Czechs.

After the game, NHL Network color commentator/possible double agent Dave Starman, said that the Slovaks “pushed [America] to the limit.” This after the mighty US tacked on not one, not two, but three even-strength goals in the third period. The Slovaks? Pushing the US to anything but the brink of comatose boredom? Don’t make us laugh and vomit simultaneously.

Let’s put this as simply as possible, so that even our Canadian readers can understand: Through six periods of hockey, the US has conceded one (1) even-strength goal, and that came in today’s contest because the team was up 6-2 and no one really cared, the definition of a garbage time goal. They’ve also scored six even-strength goals. Which tells you everything, really. Even excepting the American Superpower Play, which was once again gigantic in scoring three times on five opportunities (5 for 8 in the tournament), the US has outscored opponents by a wide margin. Jon Gillies was probably just giving up all those rebounds as a wink and a nod so that people don’t start thinking he’s too perfect.

And here’s the other issue for opponents as well: Even if all your diving works and you get power plays and the US can’t kill all of them, there’s no chance of competing with the Americans’ depth. Through two games, the US has scored 11 goals, and only one player on the team — captain Riley Barber — has more than one goal. That’s 10 different goalscorers in two games, and it’s not particularly nice or fair.

We could sit here for hours and write about the many ways in which this game was not at all close, because the US got a lead at 16:53, played pretty poorly for most of the rest of the night, and still never looked back. You want to talk about killer instinct? How about three goals in seven minutes to make it a two-, three-, and four-goal game?

If this is the US’s “limit” then someone’s going to die in the Germany game.

US lazily crushes Czechs with extreme disinterest

One of the few moments in this game everyone from America was able to stay awake at the same time.

One of a few moments in which everyone from America was able to stay awake at the same time.

The result of this game was never in question, as you might expect, but what was surprising is that the good ol’ US of A had this one wrapped up just 31 seconds into the game.

It was at that time the Czechs took their first penalty, ceding the one of three Superpower Plays, and 50 seconds later, there was a puck in the back of the net courtesy of captain Riley Barber. The rest of the game was academic, and served only as a curiosity; a simultaneous display of American muscle-flexing and largesse. It’s almost too bad Daniel Dolejs, who was actually pretty good in the Czech goal, had to be on the receiving end of this, but then Bikini Atoll had to be on the receiving end of some nuclear tests as well. All for the greater good.

The fact that the game ended only 5-1 has to be seen as a little disappointing, but then one has to keep in mind that this was asking a herd of elephants to do battle with an ant colony. For all intents and purposes, it was over quick — before it even started, if we’re being honest — but it still took time to mop everything up.

Two goals in the first, and again in the second, but the Czechs were either tied or within a single goal for a mere 122 seconds, which you’ll note is not very long at all. The second goal, also on the power play, was Will Butcher’s. Interestingly, no one on the US had more than one point in the game, because nothing says “equality” like spreading the scoring throughout the lineup. In all, 13 different guys had points for the Red, White, and Blue. Probably should have been more, but what’s the point?

The lone goal American Hero and Reigning Gold Medalist Jon Gillies allowed was on a soft power play called late in the game when it didn’t matter even a little, and only came because he really couldn’t be bothered to put down his book. He still finished the game with a .958 save percentage.

Again, it’s hard to get up for a game like this, or care about the result. Yup, it was a win. It never wasn’t one. You could write the postgame quotes yourself, the second the schedule was announced. “It was nice to get our feet under us. In a tournament like this you want to take every opponent seriously and zzzzzzzzzz,” wunderkind Jack Eichel probably said before falling asleep thinking about this pointless and vulgar exercise in power demonstration.

At least things will be a little more entertaining on Saturday when the US plays… Slovakia? Oh for f…

Wow the US beat the tar out of the Czechs I can’t believe it

Johnny Gaudreau knows America is great!

Johnny Gaudreau knows America is great!

Another former Soviet Bloc country ran up against the mighty Americans today and, as in the late 1980s and early 1990s, was brought to its knees by the superiority of everything that makes the United States of America great. It’s really not even worth getting into just how badly the US clowned the Czech Republic today, except to say that it scored five power play goals and killed all six such opportunities going the other way.

Johnny Gaudreau, proving he was saving it for games that actually mattered, netted a hat trick for the Americans in this 7-0 win, John Gibson shutout. Jacob Trouba four-point night.  JT Miller three points. Riley Barber two goals. And so forth.

Let’s not forget that in playing both sides of the former Czechoslovakia in its last two games, America hung 16 goals on its opponents after only scoring twice against Canada and Russia. The win today was, in fact, so utterly convincing that even arrogant Canadian scumbags on Twitter are saying they expect a good game, just days after deriding the US as being complete shit despite their only getting a 2-1 win thanks to one bad period. Already running scared. What a bunch of clowns.