Canada’s Team So Bad They’ve Been Forced to Turn to Cut Rate Fluff Pieces

panzersdown

While reading this post on Canada’s not at all humiliating loss to a team their erudite fans referred to as “the Dominican Republic or somebody” shortly before losing I thought to myself “this Eastern European guy did a decent job translating his work to English”.

Indeed, the last time any nation with “Czech” in the name that beat Canada at the U20s was January 4, 1993, when the Czech/Slovak Republic won, 7-4.

That sentence is as poorly constructed as Canada’s goaltending program. Fortunately for this site and our sense of smug superiority the author goes on to describe the USA game:

U.S. powers past Germany 8-0. Losers dress just 17 skaters.

That’s a better start, though calling Germany “losers” is a lot like pointing out that most Canadians haven’t seen the sun in three weeks: it’s true but hardly needed to be pointed out. (Those “losers” scored against Canada for the record).

He continues:

The win was aided in part by Germany’s ability to dress only 17 skaters as three regulars were injured and unable to play.

Ah yes, certainly the US was greatly aided by the fact that some of the powerhouse Germans didn’t suit up. Might have been a close game if those three guys had been on the bench.

So where is our mystery author from? You guessed it. We at the Sleeping Giant look forward to more thinly disguised pro-Canadian propaganda as part of the vast anti-American conspiracy we’ve exposed to you for years.

Canadian propaganda reaches unintentionally hilarious levels

Mark Scheifele in his natural habitat: Parallel to the ice

Mark Scheifele in his natural habitat: Parallel to the ice

Remember that game against Slovakia wherein Mark Scheifele and other Canadian players dove all over the ice and eventually drew enough penalties to save face in a 6-3 win during which two of its players were kicked out of the game for dirty, illegal hits? Sure you do.

The diving throughout the game was so evident, so obvious even to an idiot, that disgusting Canada homer Ray Ferraro could come up with no better defense for its continued use by his cowardly home country than to praise it as “heady” because the refs were calling it. Of course, had it gone the other way, and the Slovaks were the ones doing it, we would have heard all about how dishonorable and disgusting these soft European pukes were, and how Good Canadian Boys would never stoop to such a level.

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IIHF predictably ruins joyous day

This probably wasn't considered a trip by corrupt and terrible IIHF referees.

This probably wasn’t considered a trip by corrupt and terrible IIHF referees.

Today was meant to have been the first full day of training camp for the future 2013 World Junior Championship gold medal-winning United States of America, a day that symbolically stands as the start of the happiest time of year for every good person on Earth (i.e. those born and living within American borders).

We wore our USA Hockey jerseys, t-shirts, hats, pants, and underwear in anticipation of this wonderful day, but awoke to news that Hockey Canada had already — and predictably — worked its evil and noxious tendrils in the international hockey community to preemptively try to ruin the occasion.

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