Canada “beats” U.S. *wink*

Look at this lil guy tryin so hard. Adorable.

Look at this adorable lil guy tryin so hard.

If anything, this was a little too sloppily-executed for our liking.

The US clearly went into this game with the plan being, “Just let these poor illiterate kids see what it’s like to beat a real team,” like when college football teams let 7-year-olds with terminal illnesses rush for a touchdown and get carried off the field. But this just wasn’t good enough from the Red, White, and Blue.

When you allow someone win, you’re supposed to make it look natural, but Connor Carrick ruined any suspension of disbelief the average non-Canadian viewer might have had when he didn’t score on a late breakaway. I mean, did you see the goals Zach Fucale gave up today? That’s the kind of goaltending Canada typically deals with, not these spectacular toe saves. The plan, as relayed to us by our loyal operatives, was to make it appear as though he hit a rut and let the puck glide lazily into Fucale’s pads. People would buy that a netminder as low-functioning as him could stop a roller going five miles an hour. That toe save though? We’d believe Jon Gillies could do it, sure, but not Fucale. In fact, not any Canadian.

It’s like the scenes in early Godzilla movies in which you can see it’s just a guy in a cheap costume. Takes you out of your viewing experience and makes you think, “Oh right, this is all fake.”

The IIHF’s officials dutifully played their part as well, whistling the U.S. for three “penalties” in the third period, but they too messed up in not calling Canada for any. Again, this is all wink-nudge stuff, but it’s possible that even some of those Canadian kids can’t be dumb enough to think this went as well for them as the final scoreline would appear. The U.S. power play entered the game lethal at nearly 60 percent, but went 0-fer today. Yeah, okay, sure. The U.S. had taken the fewest penalties in the tournament through three games, then gives Canada five power plays?

All in all, just bad form from the Americans today. It’s like they weren’t even trying to make this believable. Canadians actually seem to think they earned it. Those poor, dumb sons of bitches.

The Great American Hockey Shirt Contest

Hello proud Americans.

If you follow us on Twitter (as is your patriotic duty) you might have noticed that over the past several weeks we’ve been asking people to contribute to something of an “art project,” while providing very little else in the way of details.

Well, now has come the time to reveal what we’ve been working on, with the help of six extraordinary American heroes:

Yes, we’re making t-shirts.

Now, before you think we’ve sold out, or are trying to monetize the obviously-great idea behind this site, please don’t misunderstand. A significant portion of every dollar we get (after our costs, etc.) will be donated to the USA Hockey Foundation.

The organization, just by way of introduction, works to improve USA Hockey in six very distinct ways: Through “participation, opportunity, safety, player development, education and commemoration.” So if you end up supporting American hockey with a Sleeping Giant shirt, you’re also supporting USA Hockey with a donation. That’s a good thing for you to do.

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