USA Proves All Haters Are Babies With Cakewalk to Expected Gold

Those are gold medals.

Those are gold medals.

Team USA proved all non-Americans wrong yet again by clobbering Team Sweden as if they were efficiently packaged cardboard products. Led by Rocco Grimaldi the US hung a three spot on Jonas Gustavsson or whoever to claim what is rightfully America’s: the Gold medal.

We’d like to spend the rest of this recap talking about our place in the hockey world. Lambert and I came here with only the best intentions; to give all of you hockey fans the inside scoop on what hockey is and who would do well in this short tournament.

We didn’t charge anyone for our valuable insight, we simply passed along the facts to anyone with a working internet connection and electricity, and we even printed out some pages in really big font so that Canadians could read too.

For that we were called “homers,” our 100% factual articles were called “jingoistic trash.” Canadians with access to a telegraph and US sympathizers called us “trolls” on Twitter.

Time to admit it: we’re not trolls or looking to get a rise out of anyone. We’re just a couple of proud patriots who can put aside their biases to give you all the inside scoop: that America is the best and everyone else sucks.