Canada 3*, USA 2

That's where the puck was when the whistle blew. (from @WorldofIsaac)

That’s where the puck was when the whistle blew. (from @WorldofIsaac)

You might have noticed that to this point we have not posted about the United States and their dominant start to the 2014 Olympics, and the reason for this is that as far as we were concerned the 2014 Olympics only started this morning, following a pair of easy exhibition wins against the students at some 1970s Soviet boarding schools.

United States/Canada is the only matchup that matters in women’s hockey, and for all the evidence you need of this being the case, the supposedly-decent host Russians barely beat Japan yesterday. So we know full well just how bad the rest of the world is.

In fact, the rest of the world is so bad that even mighty Canada needed some nonsense officiating to pick up a quote-unquote win in this one that will, in essence, have to play Finland, which it already throttled, in the semifinals. Violent thug Hayley Wickenheiser “scored” the game-”winner” early in the third period on a goal that trickled across the goal line only about one second after the whistle blew. Which, as we learned in the 2013 World Juniors, is a perfectly acceptable way for Canada to score goals against the United States in international competition. The refs then reviewed the call, which it should be noted is not reviewable by IIHF rules because it involved a whistle stopping play, and then still got it wrong. Classic stuff, there.

The Canadians did their best to play anti-hockey for the remainder of the game, holding the U.S. without a shot for the vast majority of the third period by putting six and occasionally seven players in the neutral zone. It was only on the third of these most blatant violations that the officials finally hit them with a too many men call. Canada scored again, on a breakaway because the U.S. was being overly aggressive in trying to get the tying goal they shouldn’t have actually needed, to make it 3-1, and America pulled back within one on an extra-attacker goal that ended up not mattering.

(And remember, all Canadians right now are acting as though this was all on the up-and-up, but if the U.S. had scored in the way noted cheater Wickenheiser did — which it never will because the next IIHF screwup to go Americans’ way will be the first in recorded history — tomorrow’s National Post would be filled with thinkpieces about the necessity for greater quality in women’s hockey officials worldwide. Bet a toonie on that.)

Oh well. This, like every contest that isn’t the gold medal game between the U.S. and Canada, doesn’t matter at all. And no amount of corrupt officiating can change that.

How to make watching Canada games fun

We here at the Sleeping Giant know that the first and most important thing you care about when it comes to the annual IIHF World Junior Championship tournament is seeing the great and powerful United States rumble over all its helpless foes like a Sherman tank. And who, really, can blame you?

But it is important to heed the words of the ancient Chinese general Sun Tzu, who once said, “Know thy enemy as thyself.” And thus, we encourage you all to watch as many other games as you can, including those featuring the pathetic Canadian team. It’s not easy, and often a viewing of the final minutes of The Human Centipede is more visually and aurally pleasant, but it remains nonetheless important.

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Wow the US beat the tar out of the Czechs I can’t believe it

Johnny Gaudreau knows America is great!

Johnny Gaudreau knows America is great!

Another former Soviet Bloc country ran up against the mighty Americans today and, as in the late 1980s and early 1990s, was brought to its knees by the superiority of everything that makes the United States of America great. It’s really not even worth getting into just how badly the US clowned the Czech Republic today, except to say that it scored five power play goals and killed all six such opportunities going the other way.

Johnny Gaudreau, proving he was saving it for games that actually mattered, netted a hat trick for the Americans in this 7-0 win, John Gibson shutout. Jacob Trouba four-point night.  JT Miller three points. Riley Barber two goals. And so forth.

Let’s not forget that in playing both sides of the former Czechoslovakia in its last two games, America hung 16 goals on its opponents after only scoring twice against Canada and Russia. The win today was, in fact, so utterly convincing that even arrogant Canadian scumbags on Twitter are saying they expect a good game, just days after deriding the US as being complete shit despite their only getting a 2-1 win thanks to one bad period. Already running scared. What a bunch of clowns.

Canadian propaganda reaches unintentionally hilarious levels

Mark Scheifele in his natural habitat: Parallel to the ice

Mark Scheifele in his natural habitat: Parallel to the ice

Remember that game against Slovakia wherein Mark Scheifele and other Canadian players dove all over the ice and eventually drew enough penalties to save face in a 6-3 win during which two of its players were kicked out of the game for dirty, illegal hits? Sure you do.

The diving throughout the game was so evident, so obvious even to an idiot, that disgusting Canada homer Ray Ferraro could come up with no better defense for its continued use by his cowardly home country than to praise it as “heady” because the refs were calling it. Of course, had it gone the other way, and the Slovaks were the ones doing it, we would have heard all about how dishonorable and disgusting these soft European pukes were, and how Good Canadian Boys would never stoop to such a level.

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A guest post on the importance of supporting America because all other teams but especially Canada seriously stink

Here is a thing noteworthy American Arik from the Fourth Line Blog wrote:

“Shall we expect some transatlantic military giant, to step the Ocean, and crush us at a blow? Never!—All the armies of Europe, Asia and Africa combined, with all the treasure of the earth (our own excepted) in their military chest; with a Buonaparte for a commander, could not by force, take a drink from the Ohio, or make a track on the Blue Ridge, in a trial of a thousand years.”

Abraham Lincoln wrote the above lines long before Canada was even a twinkling in the eyes of the British Parliament. Had he known the Great White North unfortunately situated above America would someday be given up on by a country in Europe (the same one that fought tooth and nail to hold on to the Glorious United States of America), he would likely not have changed a thing.

Canada just isn’t threatening.

And yet, fellow Americans, we find ourselves facing a Terrible Canadian Invasion this month of December. The Canadian national junior team will be invading the city of Buffalo followed by their hordes of pasty-faced fans, who have not seen the Sun, which shines so lovingly on Our American States, in months.

They will bring with them their “Tim Horton’s,” “Donchaknows,” and candy in the shape of eggs. They will discuss terrible politics, call hats “touques,” and pour maple syrup over literally everything. Worst of all, they cheer for a team not wearing the Stars and Stripes. This cannot stand; it is an affront to us all.

We successfully struck a blow to the Canadian ego a year ago, when Great American Hero John Carlson scored the overtime winner that pierced the hearts of so many Canadians. They dare push back into our lands, like the Confederate Armies in Gettysburg. But this will be a foolhardy mistake on their part: America stands strong. Heroes such as Jerry D’Amigo, John Ramage, and Jack Campbell will remain a strong wall of Red, White and Blue and they only ask for one thing in return- that you stand behind them.

If you have a treatise on how crummy foreign countries are, or how great America is, you can email us here. Go America.