Eat it, Putin

Mr. Bobrovsky, we tore down this wall!

Mr. Bobrovsky, we tore down this wall!

So that was pretty great.

Of course, any time the US wins is pretty great, but beating Russia, in Russia, with their shockingly-beshirted homophobe piece of garbage president Vladimir Putin watching, in a thrilling game that required not only overtime but eight rounds of a shootout, is even better.

The game was played so evenly for pretty much its entirety that it was easy to forget that Russia’s team is bad and America’s is great, especially because Pavel Datsyuk was doing all in his power to carve up the US defenses at any opportunity. He ended up scoring both of Russia’s goals, one on a partial break — in which he abused all three of Brooks Orpik (who just got eaten up by the speed), John Carlson (who put himself out of position and never recovered), and Max Pacioretty (whose backcheck was so soft it was mistaken for a Russian third-line forward) — and the other on a power play goal facilitated by an idiotic kneeing penalty by Dustin Brown and a beauteous screen by Alex Radulov, who seems to have put on so much weight playing in the KHL that the US penalty killers would have needed a John Deere to move him from the front of the crease, if they’d tried, which they didn’t.

Of course, Radulov had a far greater hand in the proceedings than just making that game-tying marker happen: He also committed two predictably dumbassed penalties that led to both American power play goals. Radulov is nothing if not an enthusiast for being a guy lazy commentators can hold up as the towering example of The Russian Stereotype being 100 percent true. It’s as though he delights in it. The only way he could have become more of a parody of the genre is if he’d also lazily backchecked on Oshie’s shootout game-winner.

That’s all, by the way, to say nothing of the beautiful work to set up both American goals. James van Riemsdyk’s work at the top of the crease to move the puck over to Cam Fowler was just magnificent, as was the bullet Phil Kessel put toward the net to make it all happen. (Kessel, by the way, has been revelatory through 125 minutes of Olympic hockey.) Then there was the Patrick Kane pass to set up Joe Pavelski’s goal, which came with a skill threshold so high and shining it was briefly mistaken for the Olympic torch.

And in the end the game came down to Oshie and Quick, who personally battled through six and eight rounds of the shootout, respectively, to secure this glorious W and cap a fitting end to the game that deserved to go America’s way if only because everything does. Quick repeatedly repelled the bids of Ilya Kovalchuk and Pavel Datsyuk, who were presumably chosen to go so often because of their outright and tacit support of Russia’s disgusting anti-gay laws, and when the dust settled Oshie had scored on four of his six attempts. He did, however, leave Sergei Bobrovsky guessing on the full half dozen.

So now it looks for all the world as though the US is going to win its group, as a wholly unintimidating matchup with Slovenia looms (is that the right word here? Can harmless things loom? Like, say, can a mylar balloon for a toddler’s birthday loom? If so, the game with Slovenia looms. If not, it’s just next I guess).

Canada “beats” U.S. *wink*

Look at this lil guy tryin so hard. Adorable.

Look at this adorable lil guy tryin so hard.

If anything, this was a little too sloppily-executed for our liking.

The US clearly went into this game with the plan being, “Just let these poor illiterate kids see what it’s like to beat a real team,” like when college football teams let 7-year-olds with terminal illnesses rush for a touchdown and get carried off the field. But this just wasn’t good enough from the Red, White, and Blue.

When you allow someone win, you’re supposed to make it look natural, but Connor Carrick ruined any suspension of disbelief the average non-Canadian viewer might have had when he didn’t score on a late breakaway. I mean, did you see the goals Zach Fucale gave up today? That’s the kind of goaltending Canada typically deals with, not these spectacular toe saves. The plan, as relayed to us by our loyal operatives, was to make it appear as though he hit a rut and let the puck glide lazily into Fucale’s pads. People would buy that a netminder as low-functioning as him could stop a roller going five miles an hour. That toe save though? We’d believe Jon Gillies could do it, sure, but not Fucale. In fact, not any Canadian.

It’s like the scenes in early Godzilla movies in which you can see it’s just a guy in a cheap costume. Takes you out of your viewing experience and makes you think, “Oh right, this is all fake.”

The IIHF’s officials dutifully played their part as well, whistling the U.S. for three “penalties” in the third period, but they too messed up in not calling Canada for any. Again, this is all wink-nudge stuff, but it’s possible that even some of those Canadian kids can’t be dumb enough to think this went as well for them as the final scoreline would appear. The U.S. power play entered the game lethal at nearly 60 percent, but went 0-fer today. Yeah, okay, sure. The U.S. had taken the fewest penalties in the tournament through three games, then gives Canada five power plays?

All in all, just bad form from the Americans today. It’s like they weren’t even trying to make this believable. Canadians actually seem to think they earned it. Those poor, dumb sons of bitches.

KGB kidnappings finally cost USA

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If you happen to see the American top line in any dingy basements in Ufa over the next few days, we at the Sleeping Giant would really appreciate it if you could cut them free and return them to the US’s hotel as covertly and soon and possible.

For the second straight game, there wasn’t much to convince us that the Americans’ No. 1 line of Johnny Gaudreau, JT Miller and Rocco Grimaldi were good enough to fill the net with pucks as we’ve seen them do at the college and pro levels, and now we have a pretty good idea why: They have been replaced by Russian body doubles. What other possible reason can you use to explain the fact that they have just one goal and no assists between them in two World Junior games? Hell, Sean Kuraly has more points than that and he’s a third-line guy.

The defense continued to sparkle for the US as you might expect — the first Russian goal, which came on the power play following an incredibly dubious penalty, deflected off both an American stick and a Russian body — and America dictated much of the game, but in the end, it seems all the lasers probably being shined into our brave patriots’ eyes by heartless Russian fans was simply too much to overcome. The precision of American passing was so poor that you’d think it was guided by Soviet computers, and there’s simply no other logical explanation.

We at the Sleeping Giant urge the CIA to run another classic American coup d’etat to unseat this evil Russian government and allow Team USA to rise back to its rightful place atop the Group B standings. That would be great. And if you want to install Brian Gionta as prime minister of Canada while you’re at it, we wouldn’t mind that either.

Sleeping Giant’s Three Stars

1. John Gibson

2. KGB operatives

3. The refs