Two yellow-bellied Slovaks, and a typically revolting Canadian, were given hefty suspensions for headshots in last night’s games.
The Slovakia-United States game produced five of those games to two Slovaks, the heaviest suspension going to Martin Marincin (three games). Peter Hrasko received two additional games while Canada’s Zack Kassian got one extra game.
That they were allowed to live through the night at all once again speaks to the general kindheartedness of all American players.
That sound you heard tonight was not, in fact, the largest earthquake ever recorded by man, but rather the United States U20 hockey team putting its foot down and saying enough was enough.
It had been largely criticized for its largess in allowing Finland to only lose in overtime, and having heard just about enough talk from the Canadian media about how this USA team wasn’t “for real” and that the Great White North’s shabby collection of highly-touted prospects was enough to roll over any number of countries, America included, these great patriots clearly decided that this was the end of that talk.
Surely, because of this country’s overwhelming beneficence, it was greatly saddened by the fact that it had to make an example of Slovakia, a country of roughly 140 people, none of whom are male. But an example was necessitated by the general chuckling-up-their-sleeve of the Toronto-based, heavily-biased media. And by that, of course, we mean Pierre McGuire and the rest of the sycophantic dolts on TSN.
So yes, the US poured 57 shots at the Slovak net, but what were they supposed to do? They had been victimized by an early headshot perpetrated by the cowardly Peter Hrasko, whom we have reason to believe is a Canadian double agent (certainly, he’s bad enough at hockey to pass for a Quebecois nobody). Their hands were forced.
Frankly, 6-1 with goals from a slew of players including Kyle Palmieri, who had two goals and a helper, was a bit kind to a rather poor team, but again, the American spirit of generosity cannot be underestimated. That these particular Euro straphangers had to be victimized was unfortunate happenstance. That Jack Campbell literally slept through the first period a showcasing of the American talent to which we’ve grown accustomed (and he still made a save).
And keep in mind that this 57-18 shot differential and wholesale bloodbath all happened without the aid of two good, strong American boys, who were given the night off to pursue leisure activities of their choosing.
There are now four games remaining in America’s run to their third gold medal. All that dared oppose them have been swept aside with shocking ease and bravado.
Believe us when we tell you that you don’t want to be next.
Yes, it’s true, the day after Canada flaunted its 15-first-round-pick blue-collar dominance over a poorly-constructed and out-of-its-depth Russian team — while their American counterparts demurely and diplomatically allowed Finland to skulk into overtime — we finally got our first bit of hate mail. We are, of course, posting it in its entirety.
Now, keep in mind that basically this entire message is [sic]’d because it exhibits what we can only assume is a very common Canadian quality: illiteracy. So wade hip-deep into this meandering, poorly-written screed against all things good (read also: American), short on cogent thought or the use of the Enter key, and long on use of the word “disgusting.”
But don’t say we didn’t warn you.
From: Brianne Seamans
Subject: Your Tumblr
Date: December 27, 2010 10:18:55 AM ESTSomeone posted a link to your tumblr on Twitter. So like usual I thought I would check it out.
This is, without a doubt, the best decision a Canadian ever made.
It was absolutely disgusting to read the way you talk about the US being far more superior then other countries.
We never once used the words “far more superior then other countries” because we are not clods.
The US has only won it twice – thats pathetic compared to all the other countries. Also, bragging about how amazing American fans are over other countries,
We don’t consider it bragging so much as we do “pointing out basic facts.”
such as Canada’s pale-faced,
Racist.
is disgusting.
That’s two times now.
Most Americans are to busy getting knocked up or shooting people that they have no idea what hockey even is.
Now who’s being disgusting?
Incase your unaware more Canadians showed up to a USA game because most Americans dont give a shit about hockey.
Correction: they don’t give a shit about Buffalo. And who can blame them?
Also to call the Canadians ‘pale faced’ is hilarious because most northern states in the USA get more snow then inhabited places of Canada – dont you remember geography class.
Apparently about as well as you remember English.
I know your not going to do anything about your site but it just re-enforces why so many people dislike Americans.
And here, Canadians have shown themselves to be the epitome of class.
You need to show how Americans are not biased and not heavy exaggerates
If any reader can decipher what this means, please email us at your earliest convenience.
- you need to have some truth and admit you like USA Hockey not saying something which isnt true that they dominate over everyone else.
We actually have too much truth. It’s collecting dust in the corner of our office. Please, Brianne, come take it away so you, too, can discover that Canada is really quite shabby.
Maybe if the USA was to win another international hockey tournament not concerning kids under 20 years old then USA Hockey can be considered a strong-competitive hockey nation. To say they are a lot better then other countries is a pure joke.
We’ve been laughing all morning.
The United States World Junior team started the tournament off with a merciful bang. The Finns, too busy debating over whether their version of Scrabble should be half ‘N’ tiles or all ‘N’ tiles, were clearly outmatched the entire game except for the 20 seconds or so in which they were allowed to score. The rest of the time, the U.S. team was much better, including intermission, and Jason Zucker was excellent in the inner tube race before the national anthems.
The game started off with a power play goal from True American Justin Faulk who scored on a slapshot from the point the American Way. Small children in American households will now likely be practicing dropping bombs on the Finnish net from the point like General Petraeus is in charge.
The Finns answered back with a goal that the Americans were merciful enough to let into the net. Attempting to stay under the radar means the Americans will purposefully win close games rather than show off against pathetic opponents like Canada. The US squad is, in fact, so comfortable they let Jeremy Morin and Brock Nelson have the night off, and might even allow them to spend a few days not playing.
Later, Zucker scored off a turnover that came as the Finns were busy debating whether their word for “short side” had 35 letters or 36. With their 2-1 lead completely intact the US sqaud showed off its skill again. Kyle Palmieri skated through their entire team twice and was kind enough to leave the puck next to the post so as not to run up the score. Jeremy Morin showed off his deadly shot with a nice timing play to get the goal waved off by an official who felt Finland had already had their feelings hurt badly enough.
Seeing his point, the US wasn’t done being generous to the Finns. They allowed the Finnish team to tie it up on a weird bouncy goal, to show clemency and compassion to the outmatched Scandinavians. This sent the game to OT where Nick Bjugstad, fresh out of being cleared as a real American and not a Northern European spy, scored on a soft wrist shot to demonstrate the Americans ability to score at will.
Game one: in the books.
Tonight at 8 p.m. the Ark of the Covenant opens and everyone dies.
(That guy is Canadian.)
Here is a thing noteworthy American Arik from the Fourth Line Blog wrote:
“Shall we expect some transatlantic military giant, to step the Ocean, and crush us at a blow? Never!—All the armies of Europe, Asia and Africa combined, with all the treasure of the earth (our own excepted) in their military chest; with a Buonaparte for a commander, could not by force, take a drink from the Ohio, or make a track on the Blue Ridge, in a trial of a thousand years.”
Abraham Lincoln wrote the above lines long before Canada was even a twinkling in the eyes of the British Parliament. Had he known the Great White North unfortunately situated above America would someday be given up on by a country in Europe (the same one that fought tooth and nail to hold on to the Glorious United States of America), he would likely not have changed a thing.
Canada just isn’t threatening.
And yet, fellow Americans, we find ourselves facing a Terrible Canadian Invasion this month of December. The Canadian national junior team will be invading the city of Buffalo followed by their hordes of pasty-faced fans, who have not seen the Sun, which shines so lovingly on Our American States, in months.
They will bring with them their “Tim Horton’s,” “Donchaknows,” and candy in the shape of eggs. They will discuss terrible politics, call hats “touques,” and pour maple syrup over literally everything. Worst of all, they cheer for a team not wearing the Stars and Stripes. This cannot stand; it is an affront to us all.
We successfully struck a blow to the Canadian ego a year ago, when Great American Hero John Carlson scored the overtime winner that pierced the hearts of so many Canadians. They dare push back into our lands, like the Confederate Armies in Gettysburg. But this will be a foolhardy mistake on their part: America stands strong. Heroes such as Jerry D’Amigo, John Ramage, and Jack Campbell will remain a strong wall of Red, White and Blue and they only ask for one thing in return- that you stand behind them.
If you have a treatise on how crummy foreign countries are, or how great America is, you can email us here. Go America.
Matt Nieto and Adam Clendening were among the human sacrifices coming in response to the Canadian media’s laughable claim that the United States have allegedly lost a game.
The cut players’ families have been moved to mandatory “Voluntary Fun Zones” for re-education.
As an editorial aside, we here at Sleeping Giant assure you that the U.S. did not in fact lose, and these sacrifices have been planned for months to help the crops grow and also to ensure victory.
There can be few sights as horrifying to a pantywaist Canadian (more specifically, one from Quebec!) than that of an oncoming American, hellbent on ruining their pathetic and obviously pointless life.
And so it’s not at all surprising with a living legend and Good American Boy Patrick O’Sullivan coming toward his crease at breakneck speed on a one-on-two advantage against gutless Albertan Braydon Coburn and British Columbian sadsack Brent Seabrook, Marc-Andre Fleury would be wide-eyed and scared.
In an effort to appease the American aggressor, Fleury did what an cowardly Canadian would: he attempted to sacrifice Coburn’s life to save his own. However, due to his feeble Quebecois arms not being able to shoot hard enough to break the skin on even the feeblest American infant, the puck was not fired with great force, and instead bounced off Coburn.
Seeing this, Fleury attempted to stop from going into his net, surely worried that he might anger O’Sullivan further by not allowing him to score the proper and honorable way he had planned. But being Canadian and therefore useless in all things, the puck bounced past him.
Thanks to the largesse and generosity of spirit for which it has become known, America opted to pull all its players from the ice — and retired to the dressing room to sign autographs for terminally ill children Sidney Crosby had personally spit on prior to the game — for the final five minutes or so. But Canada, even with the goalie pulled, failed to score the equalizer.
That granted the United States the richly-deserved gold medal in the first ever World Junior Championship, and while hockey fans the world over rended their clothes and wept in the streets for the glory of Al Montoya’s celebrated performances, coach Mike Eaves merely shrugged and said, “I’m just sorry we couldn’t get Corey Potter to mediate more Middle East peace talks while we were over here.”
That win capped America’s undefeated 6-0 run through the World Junior field, as they felled Austria (abysmal!), Slovakia (appalling!), Sweden (dreadful!), Russia (terrible!), Finland (adorable!) and Canada (the absolute worst!) by a combined score of 30-8.
Frankly, they’re lucky USA Hockey sent the C squad.