“The best thing the Devil did right once was making people think he was dead but he wasn’t dead though.” – Kaiser Sosay, from that movie
Imagine all the flak that came in through our brand new Twitter account, @USAbesthockey, when the final results of this game came down. Sure, 5-1 to the Finns (THE DIRTY FINNS!) isn’t a good look for the final result but as privileged and respected members of the America hockey community, we got a little email last night that tipped us off to the real machinations at work here.
If you hadn’t yet taken the time to set your watch to America winning every one of its World Junior games with hilarious ease, now might be the time to do it.
As any reasonable non-Canadian (sorry to be redundant) could have told you before the game began, The Red, White, and Blue took down Sweden on the road in its first warmups for a gold-medal strut in UFA beginning a week from today. Goals from true patriots and great heroes Connor Murphy, Ryan Hartman and Shaye Gostisbehere set the stage for the win, as did the high-quality goaltending of Garret Sparks and Jon Gillies, the latter of whom got the win in making 18 saves on 19 shots.
Such was the scene at Dek Star last weekend, as [Sidney Crosby] strapped on the goalie gear and played for a ball hockey team in a 26-and-over league — unannounced and completely anonymous to his foes until his identity was revealed later in the game.
“He did play the ball a lot behind the net and stuff like that. I think that’s because he was bored because his team was dominating, ha ha. Legitimately, we may have had 1 or 2 shots.
That’s right: a sleepy team of Western PA dek hockey players took one look at Canada’s best hockey player and agreed immediately – he’d have to play goalie so they could shelter him.
We here at the Sleeping Giant are disappointed that these so called Americans chose to share their game with a Canadian, but at least it was only dek hockey. It would have been an awkward conversation if someone had to explain to Mr. Crosby that he’d mess up the chemistry on the bench or ruin everyone’s good mojo if he were allowed to play on the ice.
This is a terrifying development for any God fearing peace loving American: it would seem that Canadians have learned to read and will shortly be joining social media to bleat about 2009 when they last managed to win a tournament invented largely to convince Canada they’re good at something.
Master Mackinnon here makes an interesting choice reaching out to one Aubrey “Drake” Graham. Drake, aka. Drizzy aka “Can’t tell this guy apart from Lil’ Wayne”, like most Canadians spends his time looking South to America and asking himself “how can I be like them?”
NHLers are clearly excited by Mr. Graham’s appearance. “Fist bump? Hand shake?”
The tweet has been RTed by every literate Canadian so far except Mr. Graham and is closing in on 70 RTs as we hit publish. Hopefully Nathan Mackinnon gets his wish for a Drake RT on his birthday or if the unthinkable happens and his cat Mr. Mittens gets sick.
In the meantime both Drake albums will be played in full on all Canadian radio stations at their usual times tonight in order to meet Canadian programming quotas. Take Care if you live near the border, and feel free to Thank Me Later.
This probably wasn’t considered a trip by corrupt and terrible IIHF referees.
Today was meant to have been the first full day of training camp for the future 2013 World Junior Championship gold medal-winning United States of America, a day that symbolically stands as the start of the happiest time of year for every good person on Earth (i.e. those born and living within American borders).
We wore our USA Hockey jerseys, t-shirts, hats, pants, and underwear in anticipation of this wonderful day, but awoke to news that Hockey Canada had already — and predictably — worked its evil and noxious tendrils in the international hockey community to preemptively try to ruin the occasion.
I prefer to celebrate holidays at the end of the day so you know what you’ve already got. The best part about today’s celebration of apple pie, ass kicking and sweet motorcycles was undoubtedly San Diego’s fireworks.
Just like Zach Parise and Ryan Suter they know what they want in San Diego: all of the fireworks right now. Go USA.
Clint Dempsey showed the Italians a thing or two about soccer, aka American Football Jr., today. Personally I hope Giuseppe Rossi, proof that America should saw New Jersey off and let it drift into the ocean, enjoyed watching the team he wasn’t smart enough to play for dust the Italians at home.
“But Italy is rebuilding!” cried out people on Twitter whose grandparents booked it from Italy because it’s a lousy place to live. Rebuilding how? If they lose to a bunch of other teams does Lionel Messi have to fuck an Italian woman first overall in the International Soccer Baby Draft?
The World Junior Championship’s opening round finishes today and the United States has not yet been awarded the gold medal. Investigation by Sleeping Giant’s band of patriots confirms that the US team has been eliminated from the medal round by anti-American factions operating at the highest level of the IIHF.
Sleeping Giant can confirm large payments of monopoly money and beaver pelts to officials at the IIHF to make this disappointing event possible. In response to this travesty the US has considered moving to Division 1 and depriving TSN of the valuable American TV audience.