KGB kidnappings finally cost USA

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If you happen to see the American top line in any dingy basements in Ufa over the next few days, we at the Sleeping Giant would really appreciate it if you could cut them free and return them to the US’s hotel as covertly and soon and possible.

For the second straight game, there wasn’t much to convince us that the Americans’ No. 1 line of Johnny Gaudreau, JT Miller and Rocco Grimaldi were good enough to fill the net with pucks as we’ve seen them do at the college and pro levels, and now we have a pretty good idea why: They have been replaced by Russian body doubles. What other possible reason can you use to explain the fact that they have just one goal and no assists between them in two World Junior games? Hell, Sean Kuraly has more points than that and he’s a third-line guy.

The defense continued to sparkle for the US as you might expect — the first Russian goal, which came on the power play following an incredibly dubious penalty, deflected off both an American stick and a Russian body — and America dictated much of the game, but in the end, it seems all the lasers probably being shined into our brave patriots’ eyes by heartless Russian fans was simply too much to overcome. The precision of American passing was so poor that you’d think it was guided by Soviet computers, and there’s simply no other logical explanation.

We at the Sleeping Giant urge the CIA to run another classic American coup d’etat to unseat this evil Russian government and allow Team USA to rise back to its rightful place atop the Group B standings. That would be great. And if you want to install Brian Gionta as prime minister of Canada while you’re at it, we wouldn’t mind that either.

Sleeping Giant’s Three Stars

1. John Gibson

2. KGB operatives

3. The refs

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