IIHF predictably ruins joyous day

This probably wasn't considered a trip by corrupt and terrible IIHF referees.

This probably wasn’t considered a trip by corrupt and terrible IIHF referees.

Today was meant to have been the first full day of training camp for the future 2013 World Junior Championship gold medal-winning United States of America, a day that symbolically stands as the start of the happiest time of year for every good person on Earth (i.e. those born and living within American borders).

We wore our USA Hockey jerseys, t-shirts, hats, pants, and underwear in anticipation of this wonderful day, but awoke to news that Hockey Canada had already — and predictably — worked its evil and noxious tendrils in the international hockey community to preemptively try to ruin the occasion.

As you might expect from an organization as deeply corrupt and anti-American as the International Ice Hockey Federation, its spineless, soulless, heartless officials upheld a 10-game OHL suspension against Stefan Noesen, a proud and noble Texas native who was primed to be a second-line right wing for the Red, White, and Blue in its glorious run to more gold. The move prevents him from playing in the World Junior tournament, and leaves the U.S. with just four right wings left in camp.

This dastardly decision comes just days after it let Canadian nogoodnik Jonathan Huberdeau skate (quite literally) on a four-game suspension from the QMJHL, which is what really piqued our interest.

To unbiased observers like us, it’s difficult to imagine where the IIHF gets off letting Huberdeau compete in this tournament while denying a patriot like Noesen his God-given right to do the same. Or, at least it would be, if we weren’t keen enough observers of the international game to see the puppeteer working the strings.

Let’s review the basic facts, shall we? Huberdeau picked up an automatic one-game suspension for instigating a fight, and another three games for assaulting an official who was trying to restrain him, like the animal he is, from attacking another player on the ice. If this had happened in America, and not a lawless hellhole like Nova Scotia, he would very rightly be in jail, breaking rocks (though there would likely be some debate as to whether this constitutes cruel and unusual punishment, given that the things he would have to break are also what fills every Canadian-born CHL player’s head. It’s for better legal minds than ours to decide, though, as we’ve read the Constitution a mere 32,018 times between us).

Meanwhile, in the course of a regular game, Noesen finished his check against a gutless Canadian opponent, and may or may not have left his feet in doing so. The jury is still very much out on that. We don’t see why that warrants an additional 250 percent tacked onto the suspension, unless…

“Hmm, it seems that the Quebec Major Junior Hockey League and the Ontario Hockey League are both located in Canada. Canadians getting preferential treatment in a Canadian junior hockey league? Why, we could never have imagined such a thing,” is a thing we would say if we were as blindly naïve as the average Canadian idiot.

Now, it has been pointed out to us that the difference here is that Huberdeau’s suspension was set to expire prior to the start of the World Junior tournament, while Noesen’s was not, and that, therefore, is why he — a borderline criminal who has shown no compunction about his vicious WWE-style assault on a hapless linesman — gets to participate. Which is almost logical. (Or at least, reaches the closest crude approximation of logic a Canadian can muster.)

But let’s call this as any reasonable person would see it: The QMJHL gave Huberdeau a slap on the wrist knowing that, had it given out an equitable sentence, he would have missed the World Junior tournament. Meanwhile, the OHL clearly levied its travesty of a suspension against Noesen knowing that it would get him suspended for the entirety same. It’s so easy, and plain to see, an Albertan could figure it out.

The joke, however, is on Hockey Canada, the IIHF, and every other country dumb enough to stand in America’s way, however. While Noesen would clearly be the best player on Canada’s roster (or Russia’s or Finland’s or Sweden’s, etc.), he was a cog in the machine. Just as a great American like Eli Whitney first pioneered the use of interchangeable parts, so too does USA Hockey subscribe to that same idea today. Noesen is important, but not all-important. America will prosper, as it usually does, in the face of this adversity.

But let this be a lesson to all American-born players in the CHL: These clods are out to get you at every turn for the betterment of their own pathetic league and domestic players, and leaving your crummy team in Horsefly, British Columbia, is the best decision you will ever make in your life.

20 thoughts on “IIHF predictably ruins joyous day

  1. It’s clear that a vast Canadian conspiracy is once again underway; can the heroic US team repeat the US’s success in the Cold War against two foes?

  2. Lets see how bout we choose to ignore all the facts and write a ridiculous article that employs a typical American “whoa is me” approach when something doesn’t go their way, honestly based on the stuff I read from Americans the state of your “proud” “strong” country is not the least bit surprising. I mean really the Canadians are far and above the best hockey players in the world it really isn’t close and everyone knows it. But who cares about hockey I mean what the US stands for should be embarrassing to you guys and to imply there is a conspiracy at work to stop the US hockey team is ridiculous. Because having a guy who wouldn’t even get invited to Canada’s camp on your team is surely going to be such an advantage that the IIHF and Hockey Canada have gone out of their way to stop him from playing, grow up. Huberdeau had a shorter suspension that expires because the QMJHL runs longer than the OHL you idiot. What a joke you are.

    • First off, it’s “woe is me”, not whoa you Keanu Reeves wannabe.

      Secondly, if Canadians are indeed as you say “far and above the best hockey players in the world” (Side note: The correct phrase is “far and away”), then surely such a nation would never go three straight years without winning a gold medal at the U-20 WJC. I guess you were excluding the US, Russia, and Sweden when you said “everyone knows it”.

      • If you are using the WJC as the bench mark for success then that is not accurate since in any given year Canada has 4 to 5 players in the NHL, for instance I am not sure if you are aware that Seguin, Hopkins and Skinner were not available in 2011, oh and Gudbranson, Couturier and Johansen… I would really have enjoyed watching that team not win….
        - You guys insinuating that the Canadians are not the best at hockey is like saying the U.S. is not the best at baseball, there are competing countries but really the best team is obvious, not simply based on the number of wins in tournaments but based on the number of pro players, and the depth of the countries talent, Canada could enter two teams in the Olympics and see them playing each other in the final.
        - And the reason i say they are far and above the best is because they have medaled in 13 straight WJC without their best players available

        • And we’re also good at football, basketball, and a bunch of other sports that we dominate so thoroughly no one watches like every event at the Olympics and the Mathlympics.

    • Eric, he’s purposely not using facts in order to get a reaction. If you don’t want him to continue with posts like this then don’t go on a rant in the comments section. He’s a troll.

  3. AS LONG AS YOU DON’T START COPYIN’ MY FASHION SENSE, THERE, LAMBERT MY BOY. HEY, WAIT…LAMBERT…DIDN’T YER OLD MAN PLAY FER THE CANADIENS IN THE 70′S? YOU SURE YER A YANK?

  4. I think the blame should be placed on the Senators. First nixing Zibanejad’s participation in the tourney, and now encouraging Noesen to make a statement in Plymouth just before the tourney. Too bad they didn’t have a decent Canadian prospect, because he would surely be playing in Ufa, and these two snubs would have been blown even more out of proportion.

  5. Your a f*cking idiot.

    1) Noesen, dirty or not, received a 10 game suspension , Huberdeau received a 4 game suspension

    2) Because ALL games missed by the player are counted towards a suspension, Huberdeau is allowed to play as his suspension ends Dec 21st. Noesen’s suspension does not end until Jan. 11th. well after the end of the World Juniors.

    3) the QMJHL starts it’s Christmas break the week after the OHL, leaving Huberdeau’s club team with more remaining games on the schedule than Noesen’s club team.

    Check your facts idiot, it amazes me how a country as blind as yours can yell conspiracy or unfair.. open your eyes dip shit.

    We will CRUSH you ignorant a-holes this year. the year after your lowest finish in the tournament since 99. This ones gonna hurt to i suggest you lube up.

        • Thanks for visiting Andrew!

          In the future we’ll record ourselves reading the post slowly and adding the word “eh” at the end of sentences so that Canadians like you can join in the fun!

    • Lets see the moral outrage against Boone Jenner’s hit. Let’s see 5 min major charging with injury. Same crime, same punishment… I am sure they will find a way to make excuses…. Let’s hear them!!!

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