“The best thing the Devil did right once was making people think he was dead but he wasn’t dead though.” – Kaiser Sosay, from that movie
Imagine all the flak that came in through our brand new Twitter account, @USAbesthockey, when the final results of this game came down. Sure, 5-1 to the Finns (THE DIRTY FINNS!) isn’t a good look for the final result but as privileged and respected members of the America hockey community, we got a little email last night that tipped us off to the real machinations at work here.
Newsflash, Canadian idiots: The U.S. all but laid down its sticks at center ice and allowed the Finns play shinny for 60 minutes, all as a means of convincing the world at large that this was not a team to be feared. An overtime win against Sweden and now a four-goal loss to a team that barely beat Canada? C’mon, think about it. How is that in any way explainable except to say it was intended by this, the greatest U-20 hockey team in the world today?
We’re not going to make this post like The Sting, where we explain to you exactly how all the various moving parts of this not-particularly-long con worked in concert, because we think it’s pretty evident. Just ask yourself how likely it is that in a game in which he’s actually trying, John Gibson gives up five goals on 30 shots behind THAT defense? If you’re one of our slower readers (i.e. the one in every 205 Canadians who read above a second-grade level), we’ll give you a clue: It’s literally impossible.
This is especially true when you take into account that the team sat its entire starting lineup in its win over Sweden, but then used it for a game against an inferior hockey nation.
“Hahaha,” the world laughed at its greatest nation’s greatest junior hockey team, “Canada BARELY lost to these guys! You must really suck so see you in Ufa!”
Meanwhile, Johnny Gaudreau, Rocco Grimaldi, JT Miller, Jacob Trouba and Seth Jones all sat around in the dressing room laughing at what a bunch of maroons every non-American once again proved themselves to be.
USA Hockey: All Hustle.
Canada beat Sweden 2-1 (in a shootout) (lol). Boone Jenner should be in jail.
We’re sure the IIHF will find a way to implicate Shayne Gostisbehere though.