Those are gold medals.

Team USA proved all non-Americans wrong yet again by clobbering Team Sweden as if they were efficiently packaged cardboard products. Led by Rocco Grimaldi the US hung a three spot on Jonas Gustavsson or whoever to claim what is rightfully America’s: the Gold medal.

We’d like to spend the rest of this recap talking about our place in the hockey world. Lambert and I came here with only the best intentions; to give all of you hockey fans the inside scoop on what hockey is and who would do well in this short tournament.

We didn’t charge anyone for our valuable insight, we simply passed along the facts to anyone with a working internet connection and electricity, and we even printed out some pages in really big font so that Canadians could read too.

For that we were called “homers,” our 100% factual articles were called “jingoistic trash.” Canadians with access to a telegraph and US sympathizers called us “trolls” on Twitter.

Time to admit it: we’re not trolls or looking to get a rise out of anyone. We’re just a couple of proud patriots who can put aside their biases to give you all the inside scoop: that America is the best and everyone else sucks.

Come see how good America looks.

It didn’t take a genius to guess what a motivated and, frankly, angry American team would do to a pathetic opponent Canada after losing by a single goal in the wholly meaningless preliminary round. The United States took the ice with purpose and routed the supposedly-favored neighbors (notice the lack of a U) to the north 5-1, in a game that shouldn’t have even been that close.

However, we’re not going to sit here and roll around in “We-Told-You-Sos” and “We-Were-Rights” and “You-Were-Wrongs” and “Your-Country-Is-Awfuls” and “Your-Players-Should-Be-Ashameds” and “We-Love-Your-Excuse-Makings” and “America-Kicked-The-Dogturds-Out-Of-Yous” and “You-Deserved-Its” and “We’re-So-Glad-You-Woke-Up-At-4-A.M.-To-Watch-That-Putrid-Performances” and “We-Own-Hockeys.” We, as Americans, have far too much dignity to stoop the that level. Instead, we’ll let the goals do the talking.

The first came from American captain Jake McCabe on a shot from the slot through traffic as the US created havoc in front of poor Malcolm Subban, whose biggest fault today (apart from being a Canadian loser) was that he was not born with x-ray vision.

The second came from American captain Jake McCabe on a shot from the slot through traffic as the US created havoc in front of … wait. The same goal? Twice? How many Canadian first-rounders were on the ice for those two goals? Three for the first and four for the second? Well that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense! We thought those kids were supposed to be good at hockey.

But hey, that was all the scoring in the game through the first period, during which Canada actually outshot the US 10-8.

In the second period, the once-mighty American Superpower Play (TM Sleeping Giant Heavy Industries, 2011-13) didn’t look quite so powerful. However, it’s important to note that this was by design: Canada looked so bad in this game that the Americans, in their infinite generosity, chose to let the Superpower Play go scoreless in the game. Didn’t want to run up the score too badly. Not right away at least.

The lead was broadened further when Ryan Murphy got toe-dragged out of his pants on the sixth goal in Johnny Gaudreau’s last three games. Then, less than 10 minutes later, it was Xavier Oullet’s turn to get embarrassed by an American forward on Gaudreau’s line. He’s probably still trying to figure out what Jimmy Vesey did to him on the goal to make it 4-zip. If we could give Oullet any advice, it would be, “You gotta put it out of your mind, and save some mental capacity for figuring out which one is the triangle on your next big test.” That just about did it for Subban, whose second-biggest biggest fault was that the defensemen in front of him were also Canadian losers.

Finally, in the third period, Canada began to claw back into the game with a shorthanded goal that was scored by Ty Rattie just one second after the ref blew his whistle. We’re not sure why, beyond depthless pity, the clearly corrupt IIHF officials allowed such a goal to stand, but in the end it mattered about as much as Canada does on the global stage: Not at all. Gaudreau re-extended the lead on a partial breakaway thanks to a gorgeous stretch pass from linemate JT Miller.

All of this goes without mentioning the brilliant play of John Gibson in the American crease, though it’s fair to point out that unlike his teammates, he didn’t seem all that bent on good sportsmanship today. He made 36 saves and was — wrongfully — beaten just once, and boy were a number of those saves high-quality. The US defense decided to give the Canadian forwards a couple good looks out of the goodness of their hearts, with one particular chance gifted to Ryan Strome standing out as particularly thoughtful. Nonetheless, Gibson, that old Scrooge, wouldn’t concede except on shots taken the referee signals that he wants play to stop, because unlike in Canada, beneficent American coaches only teach their players to play up to the whistle, not after it.

And so it was that the Canadians were ousted from this little tournament that they hold so dearly. The one for which they willfully humiliate some of the best players in the country by having them perp-walk through a lobby of debased and ravening fanboy “journalists.” The one for which they play only the most honorable kind of hockey, free of dives and cheapshots. The one they brag about dominating but at which they haven’t won gold since 2009 despite playing on home ice twice in that stretch. The one they constantly mentioned as being theirs to win since the NHL wasn’t robbing them of all the elite U-20 talent they send straight to the world’s greatest league. The one in which their teams were undefeated all-time during NHL lockouts. The one in which they are becoming increasingly irrelevant non-factors except in the preliminary round.

We heard a lot of talk today — and after Nail Yakupov spoke the truth about how dirty Canada plays at all times — about how Canada should stop letting foreign kids into the CHL because of how it takes jobs away from such-and-such a junior player from Whitby, or whatever, while giving those foreigners access to the very best junior coaching in the world. But umm, all five American goals were scored by NCAA players, and as for the coaching, well, Steve Spott runs a CHL team, doesn’t he? Phil Housley is a Minnesota High School Hockey coach, and his gameplan for today’s laughable contest made Spott look like an amateur.

It’s time for Canada to face the facts. Hockey’s just not the sport for you. You produce some okay players and make a little noise every once in a while, but four years in a row without gold at World Juniors? And this time after bringing every weapon in your supposedly-prodigious arsenal? Yeah, okay, you’ll probably beat the Russians on Saturday for Bronze but hell, the Slovaks almost beat the Russians. So did the Swiss. That’s the level you’re operating on these days.

Johnny Gaudreau knows America is great!

Another former Soviet Bloc country ran up against the mighty Americans today and, as in the late 1980s and early 1990s, was brought to its knees by the superiority of everything that makes the United States of America great. It’s really not even worth getting into just how badly the US clowned the Czech Republic today, except to say that it scored five power play goals and killed all six such opportunities going the other way.

Johnny Gaudreau, proving he was saving it for games that actually mattered, netted a hat trick for the Americans in this 7-0 win, John Gibson shutout. Jacob Trouba four-point night.  JT Miller three points. Riley Barber two goals. And so forth.

Let’s not forget that in playing both sides of the former Czechoslovakia in its last two games, America hung 16 goals on its opponents after only scoring twice against Canada and Russia. The win today was, in fact, so utterly convincing that even arrogant Canadian scumbags on Twitter are saying they expect a good game, just days after deriding the US as being complete shit despite their only getting a 2-1 win thanks to one bad period. Already running scared. What a bunch of clowns.

The Slovaks, pictured running as fast as possible from the US team

Personally we here at the Sleeping Giant stop counting when the US hits four goals since no one has managed to score more than three against the brick wall led by Seth Jones and John Gibson.

We have good intel from US observers buried deep in the Slovakian team structure that the three goals the US gave up was a tip of the cap to laying down for Finland before the tournament: make your future opponents underestimate you.

As proud American Muhammad Ali would tell you: sometimes you need to give someone the rope a dope before charging back and winning when it matters. What else would explain why the US “lost” to Canada and Russia by identical 2-1 scores? How else to explain the US’ preliminary loss to the relegation round bound Finns?

The United States team’s next opponent is the Czech Republic; another 9 goal win and maybe the Czechs and Slovaks should consider becoming one country since they’re right next to each other and both stink. One only wonders what they’d call it? Slovczechia?

Go USA.

Can’t we all just get along?

In what will perhaps be known as The New Miracle On Ice, Canada somehow managed to defeat the US 2-1 today in Ufa, all but shattering whatever hopes the Americans had of being taken seriously just two days after losing to the Russians, who were not in any way favored in this tournament, by the same score.

“I can only speak for every single person in Canada when I say that beating the USA, who we spent months deriding as worse than a hockey team made up of boulders with smiley faces painted on them, is the crowning achievement of our nation. It’s a shame those Americans don’t have our same high priorities on the things that matter: near-point-per-game NHL-led squads winning by an entire goal,” said prime minister Stephen Harper.

Oh yes, it seems that all the so-called experts got this one wrong, and the Canadian team with about five erstwhile NHL-quality players were only outshot and outchanced by the vastly superior American side, with its high-powered top line, but not outscored. The idea of a Ryan Nugent-Hopkins lining up across from JT Miller might seem laughable to some, because of course Miller is widely and rightly regarded as one of the premier young talents in the world, but it was those two who were involved in the first goal. Nugent-Hopkins was able to shake himself loose of Miller’s usually-airtight coverage and fire home an uncharacteristically high-quality shot past John Gibson. Then Seth Jones, who would be in the NHL right now and today if not for the fact that he is not quite draft eligible, got beat to a loose puck by Ryan Strome, who is in no way prepared for the rigors of professional hockey against grown men, which gave the Canadians a 2-0 lead headed into the second period.

Gord Terwilliger told us: “I think it’s pretty clear the US team lost two tight games because no one down there knows how to skate or think.”

Then it became hold-on-for-dear-life time for the lowly Canucks, who couldn’t have possibly ever imagined being up two goals on the mighty, mighty Americans at any point in their lives. No amount of paltry accomplishments being taken in the top-10 at their various NHL entry drafts or winning CHL scoring titles could have prepared them for the assault the US opened on them in the second and third, when all the surprising punch the Canadians brought finally stirred them from their slumber.

But alas, the shambolic Canadian defense and goaltending held stronger than anyone ever thought possible, what with its mere five first-round picks. Try as highly-regarded players such as Jimmy Vesey and Vincent Trochek might, the one goal from Jacob Trouba, who is only good due to his association with a Canadian giant like the Winnipeg Jets, was all the U.S. could muster.

“I’m so happy we beat the U.S.,” Nugent-Hopkins said after the game. “I mean, we didn’t expect to do so at all despite the fact that they are really terrible and bad, and basically we can’t believe it all happened this way.”

Many questions now remain for the Americans, whose towering final opponent, Slovakia, just edged the top-quality German squad 2-1 in overtime. This is a game the US should win because it is the best team in the tournament on paper, but let’s face it, losing to a lunchpail side like Canada probably broke its will.

Meanwhile, the win only bolstered Canadian spirits.

“As you can clearly see Canada is an invincible juggernaut,” said Laurie MacMillan “They proved it when they beat those Americans 2-1, although the Americans aren’t very good at all.”

Mark Scheifele in his natural habitat: Parallel to the ice

Remember that game against Slovakia wherein Mark Scheifele and other Canadian players dove all over the ice and eventually drew enough penalties to save face in a 6-3 win during which two of its players were kicked out of the game for dirty, illegal hits? Sure you do.

The diving throughout the game was so evident, so obvious even to an idiot, that disgusting Canada homer Ray Ferraro could come up with no better defense for its continued use by his cowardly home country than to praise it as “heady” because the refs were calling it. Of course, had it gone the other way, and the Slovaks were the ones doing it, we would have heard all about how dishonorable and disgusting these soft European pukes were, and how Good Canadian Boys would never stoop to such a level.

(Un?)Fortunately, we didn’t have to wait very long for the Canadian version of the Iraqi Minister of Information, TSN, to start spinning things so hard that everyone in the hockey world got motion sickness.

CANADIANS INSIST THEY WON’T DIVE TO GET CALLS

We are, we think you’d agree, off to a roaring start.

UFA, RUSSIA – Canada’s players insist they will not dive to get calls even though the referees at the world junior hockey championship seem to be susceptible to such moves.

You know how we at the Sleeping Giant know those referees are susceptible to such moves? The Canadian team worked those refs harder than the American and British forces worked the French at the Battle of the Plains of Abraham. For 60 minutes.

“Obviously, if you look at the logic, it might be the smart thing to do,

There’s Canada conceding logic doesn’t dictate its gameplans.

but that’s not what Canadian hockey is about,” said forward JC Lipon.

Uhhhh…

“We want to win fair.”

This is JC Lipon saying this. The kid who JUST got suspended one game for elbowing some poor Slovak in the face behind the net at about 100 miles an hour. JC Lipon wouldn’t know fair if he elbowed it in the face behind the net at 100 miles an hour.

Lipon was suspended one game by the IIHF after receiving a five-minute major and game misconduct for “checking to the head and neck area” on Slovakian Tomas Mikus during the first period of Friday’s win.

Love the scare-quotes. As if that wasn’t exactly what Lipon did.

Mikus, who initially appeared to be hurt on the play, didn’t miss a shift and scored a power-play goal on the ensuing man advantage.

Yes, Mark Masters. We too wish that this kid had actually been hurt so as to justify Lipon’s suspension beyond the fact that he literally drove his elbows into Mikus’s face.

“I’m disappointed,” said Lipon, who plays for the Kamloops Blazers in the WHL. “I got to be more disciplined, but kind of watching it a million times, you know, it would have been, probably, a roughing penalty in the CHL.

Well, first of all, you ain’t playing in the CHL, dummy. Second of all, what? You ELBOWED HIM IN THE FACE. No one on earth thought that shouldn’t have been a penalty, except you, your coach, and the clods on TSN. Get a clue, kid.

You just got to watch it.

We did. We saw you elbow him.

Every time you go in for a hit you got to be ready to pay the price with how things are being called.”

Or with how Canada is hitting players: With intent to injure. There’s “hitting” in hockey and there’s hitting with malice, and this was certainly the latter. It wasn’t even trying to take advantage of a guy whose head was down, as Anthony Camara did later in the game in sending a kid to the hospital. This was his elbows coming up and hitting a kid in the face.

But anyway, what does any of that gutless defense of a clearly-dirty play have to do with diving?

In the second period on Friday Anthony Camara was also thrown out of the game after levelling Patrik Luza with a big hit. The call on the ice – a charging major – was only made after it became clear the Slovak was hurt and needed to be stretchered off.

This much is actually true, and while you hate to see a penalty get called to the injury and not the infraction, it wasn’t as if they weren’t going to call anything. It was always a charge, it drew blood, a kid got stretchered off. Majors get called like that about 10 times a season in the NHL, where they’ll pretty much let you kill someone as long as they have the puck. So don’t give us this crap about the IIHF being out to get Canada for hitting too hard.

Camara said an on-ice official told him the hit was clean, but he was ejected nonetheless.

Consider the source. If the ref is incompetent because he called that elbow a major and not just a rough as Lipon wanted, then is he all of a sudden super-competent to say that, “Hey, this call is a bunch of bull but we gotta make it for appearances?” It’s one or the other. Can’t be both.

“This is a tough man’s sport and Anthony Camara is a hard man,” said Canadian head coach Steve Spott. “He plays hard and that was, in my mind, a textbook hockey hit.”

Consider the source, Part II. Steve Spott has had his players diving and playing dirty hockey since he convened the team. So of course he thinks that hit was clean. He’s Canada’s coach, for Christ’s sake.

The ejection left Canada with just 10 forwards.

Yes, 10 forwards who are all already used to playing top-line minutes for their junior clubs and wouldn’t mind playing the extra shifts. Dumb, crybaby point to make. Especially because, given the extra minutes, a guy like Nathan MacKinnon came off the bench and was excellent for the remainder of the game.

The team was already missing Oshawa Generals centre Boone Jenner, who was serving the second of a three-game ban for a late hit during a pre-tournament game against Sweden.

Which once again speaks to Nail Yakupov’s point about how dirty Canada is, but the Canadian media is already out to get that kid because he’s a smelly Russian and what does he know?

Jenner’s hit left Jesper Pettersson with a dislocated shoulder and broken wrist, but Spott has made it clear he feels the penalty was harsh.

If Jenner’s hit had happened any later, it would have happened as we type this. He, like Lipon and Camara, hit with an intent to injure his opponent, and his just happened to come a full second after he released the puck. Steve Spott, it’s pretty safe to say, is not only a bad coach (see the six goals conceded to Germany and Slovakia) but also an idiot.

So what’s a coach to do? Spott admits he’s thought about giving his players the green light to embellish.

You can tell because that’s exactly how Scheifele debased himself for the entire Slovakia game. If the light isn’t completely green, it’s at least yellow. Guys like Scheifele and Dougie Hamilton are flying through the intersection of Fair Play Blvd. and Flop St. doing 60.

“We’ve talked about it as a staff. It’s funny, we said, ‘Maybe it’s something we should start invoking with our players,’

Haha, yeah that is funny. Since you have obviously done that.

but all the Canadian young hockey players from the time they’re five or six years of age to these guys now don’t lie down.

All? But Scheifele is from Kitchener. What are you even talking about, Steve?

We’ll always get up and drag ourselves off the ice.”

Oh we see. They won’t milk an injury for a call. And besides, the only way drag yourself off the ice — and make a big ol’ show of it, I’m sure — is after throwing yourself down at the slightest contact to begin with. So at least that’s some amount of honesty.

Spott pointed out that Mark Scheifele was kneed by Branislav Rapac in the first period on Friday, but didn’t stay down.

As a CHL product, he’s probably just not smart enough to feel pain.

He got up and skated slowly to the bench. “If Mark lies down it’s a five-minute major,” Spott said. The play resulted in a two-minute minor.

Just another IIHF conspiracy! A two-minute call for a knee-on-knee hit? The outrage is palpable!

“That’s not our game,” said Portland Winterhawks winger Ty Rattie, who

…Didn’t watch the contest with Slovakia?

will fill Lipon’s third-line role against the United States on Sunday.

So close.

“If we get hit and we’re not hurt then we get up. That’s one of the first lessons my dad ever taught me when I was playing hockey.”

Ohhhhhh, we get it now. Canada isn’t saying it won’t DIVE, it’s saying it won’t FAKE AN INJURY! Like that kid whose wrist got broken by a dirty hit from Jenner. Or that kid who Lipon elbowed in the face. Or that kid who got stretchered off the ice. Fakers like those Euro softies. Big ol’ fakeroonies, they are. A blight on the sport.

“Some of the penalties were related to injury a little bit

A little bit.

but if you see one of our guys laying on the ice it would be a big surprise to me,” said second-line centre Ryan Strome, who

Got a nosebleed from all the cognitive dissonance?

plays for the Niagara IceDogs in the OHL.

Shoot.

“We’re not going to do anything extra to draw penalties.

Hahahaha. Even Ferraro said you did! He’s the biggest homer there is. We made fun of him for defending your diving, and he sent us a DM on Twitter in which he continued to defend the dive. “Really… It was a good play-a player smells when a call might be made…he did, I think it’s a good play,” Ferraro wrote. Like, it would be one thing if Ferraro said, “Nah, that wasn’t a dive. Fair penalty.” But nope, he said on the broadcast that going down easy on the light crosscheck to the back from a half-hearted Slovak was “heady.” Get your act together, Strome.

We’re going to get our penalties by working hard and moving our feet.”

He’s actually right about that. Because flinging your feet out from under you and landing on your stomach when a guy taps you on the shin guard is technically moving them.

Refusing to dive is one thing, but what about finding a way to put an end to all these ejections and suspensions?Spott can only hope his players are able to walk the fine line set out by the IIHF.

Not illegally hitting people late and high and too hard? That’s not The Canadian Way. And again, it’s not like every other team in the tournament isn’t playing under these same rules. The Russians have had two players pick up majors in the dying minutes of games already because they, like the Canadians, are a gutless, dirty team. Does the KHL not use the IIHF’s international rules? Oh it does? Hmm well then we guess there’s no way at all to explain it. Except maybe you can just stop playing dirty and trying to hurt opponents. Oh right, Canadian Way. Our mistake.

“It’s the old [hot] stove analogy where you touch it and you get burnt,” the coach explained after Saturday’s practice.

We’re going to choose not to guess that this means Canada will be heating up its sticks with a blowtorch before every shift and then trying to burn the U.S. with them, but we also can’t put it past them at this point.

“You got to stay away from it. We’ve preached it, we’ve spoken about it, but ultimately the players have to understand that there’s going to be consequences

Is that..? No, it can’t be. Is that accountability? Has light dawned on Spott? Does he see now the error of his team’s horrible, intentionally injurious ways?

and a two-minute minor back home may be a suspension over here.”

Of course not.

????????? :(

If you happen to see the American top line in any dingy basements in Ufa over the next few days, we at the Sleeping Giant would really appreciate it if you could cut them free and return them to the US’s hotel as covertly and soon and possible.

For the second straight game, there wasn’t much to convince us that the Americans’ No. 1 line of Johnny Gaudreau, JT Miller and Rocco Grimaldi were good enough to fill the net with pucks as we’ve seen them do at the college and pro levels, and now we have a pretty good idea why: They have been replaced by Russian body doubles. What other possible reason can you use to explain the fact that they have just one goal and no assists between them in two World Junior games? Hell, Sean Kuraly has more points than that and he’s a third-line guy.

The defense continued to sparkle for the US as you might expect — the first Russian goal, which came on the power play following an incredibly dubious penalty, deflected off both an American stick and a Russian body — and America dictated much of the game, but in the end, it seems all the lasers probably being shined into our brave patriots’ eyes by heartless Russian fans was simply too much to overcome. The precision of American passing was so poor that you’d think it was guided by Soviet computers, and there’s simply no other logical explanation.

We at the Sleeping Giant urge the CIA to run another classic American coup d’etat to unseat this evil Russian government and allow Team USA to rise back to its rightful place atop the Group B standings. That would be great. And if you want to install Brian Gionta as prime minister of Canada while you’re at it, we wouldn’t mind that either.

Sleeping Giant’s Three Stars

1. John Gibson

2. KGB operatives

3. The refs

Patriotic Patriots Doing Patriotic Things

Not even sure why we’re writing this up; the US beat Germany 8-0 despite Johnny Gibson coming out after the second period and Alex Galchenyuk’s line spending the third period playing Xbox behind the bench.

John Gibson likely used his time playing Germany to adjust to the time difference in Ufa by taking a nap while his teammates filled the net. Milwaukee’s own Alex Galchenyuk gave us this embarassingly easy (for him) goal and was kind enough to line it up perfectly with the camera man to show the whole world how it’s done:

It may be worth noting that Canada allowed this squad of foreigners with odd names with smiley faces in the middle to score THREE TIMES on them. Contrary to the Canadian Propaganda that they softened the Germans up it’s clear that the German team was encouraged by their favorable result against Canada (only a minus six) before running into the unending destruction known as Team USA.

Sleeping Giant’s Three Stars

1. Team USA

2. Team USA

3. Team USA

Have a good holiday unless you are Canadian, in which case don’t.

‘Twas the night ‘fore World Juniors, and all throughout Ufa

People were wondering just what Canada’s good for.

If you hate dirty hockey, or evil incarnate,

Know Canada’s the place where both things were started.

Their players were all sleeping, no books had they read,

Because the CHL’s bylaws said they must be rockheads.

Steve Spott in his ‘kerchief, dozed lightly at first,

Not even once realizing his team was the worst.

When out on the rink there arose such a clatter,

A bunch of weak Germans all found their blood splattered.

The US had come to win some more gold,

A sight which we know never really grows old.

Red lights they shined onto goaltenders’ necks,

Another foreign team’s hopes oh-so-easily wrecked.

When what to our wondering eyes should appear,

But an almighty squad, with some very good players.

With a famous, mean driver, so smart and beloved,

Other teams didn’t know they faced death from above.

Phil Housley, a terror in his playing days,

Was coaching the US, calling player’s names.

“Now Murphy! Now Miller! Now Trouba and Gaudreau!

On Seth Jones! On Seiloff! On Galchenyuk and Bardreau!

To the top of table, to the top of the world,

Let’s make these dumb Russians look like 12-year-old girls!”

As Canadian losers before Americans cry,

When they meet with an obstacle, they would much rather die.

So on up the standings America flew,

All countries are crap compared to Red, White, and Blue.

And then in a twinkling, TSN’s commenters breathed

A bunch of bold lies; we were rather aggrieved.

They called Canada favored, and the Russians were next,

This sure wasn’t logic. We found ourselves vexed.

They said that Boone Jenner was a saintly young man,

Which of course coincided with the Canadian plan

To injure opponents, you knew they would dare.

Since they couldn’t win otherwise, they’d never play fair.

As America piled up its goals and wins,

People still scoffed about that “loss” to the Finns.

They of course didn’t realize that it was all a ruse,

Because in what other way could America lose?

Phil Housley’s plan sparkled! It all looked so easy!

But that’s how it goes when you have players like Jim Vesey.

The round robin decisive, the Canadians ousted.

But don’t play the US if you don’t want to be rousted.

It was on to the medal round, to take on the Swedes,

And America jumped out to a five-nothing lead.

The reigning gold medalists were humiliated,

Coach Housley’s ploy worked: “USA? Underrated!”

The gold medal game now loomed rather large,

But hockey fans the world over knew who’d be in charge.

It was Grimaldi and Grzelcyk, and Biggs and McCabe,

In net, Johnny Gibson might not need to make saves

The final? It ended with a nice win, predictably

And it seemed that America once again had made history.

The Star Spangled Banner the former commies did play,

Then the victorious team made a quick getaway.

Housley sprang to his plane, to his team gave a whistle,

The US leveled Ufa, like a Patriot Missile.

And I heard the coach laugh, as they flew out of sight,

“It seems you all doubted America’s might.”

WHATS IN THE BOX? (Boone Jenner probably)

“The best thing the Devil did right once was making people think he was dead but he wasn’t dead though.” – Kaiser Sosay, from that movie

Imagine all the flak that came in through our brand new Twitter account, @USAbesthockey, when the final results of this game came down. Sure, 5-1 to the Finns (THE DIRTY FINNS!) isn’t a good look for the final result but as privileged and respected members of the America hockey community, we got a little email last night that tipped us off to the real machinations at work here.

Newsflash, Canadian idiots: The U.S. all but laid down its sticks at center ice and allowed the Finns play shinny for 60 minutes, all as a means of convincing the world at large that this was not a team to be feared. An overtime win against Sweden and now a four-goal loss to a team that barely beat Canada? C’mon, think about it. How is that in any way explainable except to say it was intended by this, the greatest U-20 hockey team in the world today?

We’re not going to make this post like The Sting, where we explain to you exactly how all the various moving parts of this not-particularly-long con worked in concert, because we think it’s pretty evident. Just ask yourself how likely it is that in a game in which he’s actually trying, John Gibson gives up five goals on 30 shots behind THAT defense? If you’re one of our slower readers (i.e. the one in every 205 Canadians who read above a second-grade level), we’ll give you a clue: It’s literally impossible.

This is especially true when you take into account that the team sat its entire starting lineup in its win over Sweden, but then used it for a game against an inferior hockey nation.

“Hahaha,” the world laughed at its greatest nation’s greatest junior hockey team, “Canada BARELY lost to these guys! You must really suck so see you in Ufa!”

Meanwhile, Johnny Gaudreau, Rocco Grimaldi, JT Miller, Jacob Trouba and Seth Jones all sat around in the dressing room laughing at what a bunch of maroons every non-American once again proved themselves to be.

USA Hockey: All Hustle.

…

Canada beat Sweden 2-1 (in a shootout) (lol). Boone Jenner should be in jail.

We’re sure the IIHF will find a way to implicate Shayne Gostisbehere though.