Well-known and beloved American hero Justin Faulk, currently the greatest player in Carolina Hurricanes history, wanted desperately to represent his country at this upcoming World Junior Championships. So badly, in fact, that he was actually willing to go to Canada to do it.

But nefarious and petty Carolina general manager Jim Rutherford had other ideas.

Rutherford, who it will surprise you not at all to learn is from Ontario, insists that Faulk stay with his club team in a bald-faced and base attempt to reduce America’s chance to win, and increase Canada’s, as though such a thing were mathematically possible. It should be noted, too, that Rutherford’s team is owned also by Peter Karmanos, an American who also controls an OHL franchise and is therefore at least a Canadian sympathizer and has a financial interest in seeing the Canadian enemy succeed.

And then there’s this, taken from Rutherford’s bio on the Carolina website: “Rutherford played for Team Canada in the World Championships in Vienna in 1977 and Moscow in 1979.” This is through-the-looking-glass stuff.

We’re sure if Canada had a government that was in any way capable of engineering a conspiracy large enough to unseat something as mighty as USA Hockey, it would be involved as well. But since Stephen Harper’s office is literally an ice fishing hut on Lake Louise that, if we’re being honest, looks a bit worse for wear these days, we know this cannot be the case.

Jesse “The Body” Ventura once said, “Win if you can, lose if you must, but always cheat.” And Canada, knowing that the first option is impossible and the second inevitable, has very clearly taken the third to heart.