Once again Lambert and I will be donating our services to charity. Bid the most money for us and we’ll do whatever you need blogwise until your team gets bumped from the big dance.
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Clint Dempsey showed the Italians a thing or two about soccer, aka American Football Jr., today. Personally I hope Giuseppe Rossi, proof that America should saw New Jersey off and let it drift into the ocean, enjoyed watching the team he wasn’t smart enough to play for dust the Italians at home.
“But Italy is rebuilding!” cried out people on Twitter whose grandparents booked it from Italy because it’s a lousy place to live. Rebuilding how? If they lose to a bunch of other teams does Lionel Messi have to fuck an Italian woman first overall in the International Soccer Baby Draft?
The World Junior Championship’s opening round finishes today and the United States has not yet been awarded the gold medal. Investigation by Sleeping Giant’s band of patriots confirms that the US team has been eliminated from the medal round by anti-American factions operating at the highest level of the IIHF.
Sleeping Giant can confirm large payments of monopoly money and beaver pelts to officials at the IIHF to make this disappointing event possible. In response to this travesty the US has considered moving to Division 1 and depriving TSN of the valuable American TV audience.
Fresh off of the unthinkable: team USA losing a game, our lovable heroes are set down the path to redemption because what’s a big sports victory without a little drama? To get your appetite ready here’s some other drama where the good guys won.
And I’ll tell you what we do with humble pie in America: we knock that shit on the floor and get to work making a pie made entirely out of awesome goals.