USA Beats Country that May Not Exist

I ask you, loyal Sleeping Giant readers, have you ever been to Slovenia? Have you ever met someone who has been there? Your answer is undoubtedly no. We used our deep budget and thorough research skills to find this map of Europe and we didn’t find Slovenia on it anywhere. Proof:

Map_of_Europe_1949

Continue reading

Welcome to America: Sidney Crosby Plays Dek Hockey

Proud Americans

Proud Americans

Puck Daddy’s proud American editorial staff unearthed this telling story about American hockey dominance:

Such was the scene at Dek Star last weekend, as [Sidney Crosby] strapped on the goalie gear and played for a ball hockey team in a 26-and-over league — unannounced and completely anonymous to his foes until his identity was revealed later in the game.

Save your fork, there’s pie:

“He did play the ball a lot behind the net and stuff like that. I think that’s because he was bored because his team was dominating, ha ha.¬†Legitimately,¬†we may have had 1 or 2 shots.

That’s right: a sleepy team of Western PA dek hockey players took one look at Canada’s best hockey player and agreed immediately – he’d have to play goalie so they could shelter him.

We here at the Sleeping Giant are disappointed that these so called Americans chose to share their game with a Canadian, but at least it was only dek hockey. It would have been an awkward conversation if someone had to explain to Mr. Crosby that he’d mess up the chemistry on the bench or ruin everyone’s good mojo if he were allowed to play on the ice.

America Day

I prefer to celebrate holidays at the end of the day so you know what you’ve already got. The best part about today’s celebration of apple pie, ass kicking and sweet motorcycles was undoubtedly San Diego’s fireworks.

Just like Zach Parise and Ryan Suter they know what they want in San Diego: all of the fireworks right now. Go USA.

Giuseppe Rossi Reduced to Crying Into Breakfast Pasta

Clint Dempsey showed the Italians a thing or two about soccer, aka American Football Jr., today. Personally I hope Giuseppe Rossi, proof that America should saw New Jersey off and let it drift into the ocean, enjoyed watching the team he wasn’t smart enough to play for dust the Italians at home.

“But Italy is rebuilding!” cried out people on Twitter whose grandparents booked it from Italy because it’s a lousy place to live. Rebuilding how? If they lose to a bunch of other teams does Lionel Messi have to fuck an Italian woman first overall in the International Soccer Baby Draft?

USA Forced Out of Tournament By Widespread Canadian Conspiracy

The World Junior Championship’s opening round finishes today and the United States has not yet been awarded the gold medal. Investigation by Sleeping Giant’s band of patriots confirms that the US team has been eliminated from the medal round by anti-American factions operating at the highest level of the IIHF.

Sleeping Giant can confirm large payments of monopoly money and beaver pelts to officials at the IIHF to make this disappointing event possible. In response to this travesty the US has considered moving to Division 1 and depriving TSN of the valuable American TV audience.