Canada’s Team So Bad They’ve Been Forced to Turn to Cut Rate Fluff Pieces

panzersdown

While reading this post on Canada’s not at all humiliating loss to a team their erudite fans referred to as “the Dominican Republic or somebody” shortly before losing I thought to myself “this Eastern European guy did a decent job translating his work to English”.

Indeed, the last time any nation with “Czech” in the name that beat Canada at the U20s was January 4, 1993, when the Czech/Slovak Republic won, 7-4.

That sentence is as poorly constructed as Canada’s goaltending program. Fortunately for this site and our sense of smug superiority the author goes on to describe the USA game:

U.S. powers past Germany 8-0. Losers dress just 17 skaters.

That’s a better start, though calling Germany “losers” is a lot like pointing out that most Canadians haven’t seen the sun in three weeks: it’s true but hardly needed to be pointed out. (Those “losers” scored against Canada for the record).

He continues:

The win was aided in part by Germany’s ability to dress only 17 skaters as three regulars were injured and unable to play.

Ah yes, certainly the US was greatly aided by the fact that some of the powerhouse Germans didn’t suit up. Might have been a close game if those three guys had been on the bench.

So where is our mystery author from? You guessed it. We at the Sleeping Giant look forward to more thinly disguised pro-Canadian propaganda as part of the vast anti-American conspiracy we’ve exposed to you for years.

Canadian propaganda reaches unintentionally hilarious levels

Mark Scheifele in his natural habitat: Parallel to the ice

Mark Scheifele in his natural habitat: Parallel to the ice

Remember that game against Slovakia wherein Mark Scheifele and other Canadian players dove all over the ice and eventually drew enough penalties to save face in a 6-3 win during which two of its players were kicked out of the game for dirty, illegal hits? Sure you do.

The diving throughout the game was so evident, so obvious even to an idiot, that disgusting Canada homer Ray Ferraro could come up with no better defense for its continued use by his cowardly home country than to praise it as “heady” because the refs were calling it. Of course, had it gone the other way, and the Slovaks were the ones doing it, we would have heard all about how dishonorable and disgusting these soft European pukes were, and how Good Canadian Boys would never stoop to such a level.

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Lunchpail Canadian Team Reduced to Celebrity RT Begging

"Oh you fancy, huh?"

“Oh you fancy, huh?”

Today Nathan Mackinnon, who will be immediately blamed by Canadians for not being Sidney Crosby, tweeted at the only artist available on Canadian radio due to CRTC regulation:

This is a terrifying development for any God fearing peace loving American: it would seem that Canadians have learned to read and will shortly be joining social media to bleat about 2009 when they last managed to win a tournament invented largely to convince Canada they’re good at something.

Master Mackinnon here makes an interesting choice reaching out to one Aubrey “Drake” Graham. Drake, aka. Drizzy aka “Can’t tell this guy apart from Lil’ Wayne”, like most Canadians spends his time looking South to America and asking himself “how can I be like them?”

NHLers are clearly excited by Mr. Graham's appearance. "Fist bump? Hand shake?"

NHLers are clearly excited by Mr. Graham’s appearance. “Fist bump? Hand shake?”

The tweet has been RTed by every literate Canadian so far except Mr. Graham and is closing in on 70 RTs as we hit publish. Hopefully Nathan Mackinnon gets his wish for a Drake RT on his birthday or if the unthinkable happens and his cat Mr. Mittens gets sick.

In the meantime both Drake albums will be played in full on all Canadian radio stations at their usual times tonight in order to meet Canadian programming quotas. Take Care if you live near the border, and feel free to Thank Me Later.