Category Archives: Guest post

A guest post previewing tonight’s easy American win

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Here is a post written by goodhearted American Reed Kaufman, creator of Crowned Royal. Please REED it. Hahaha good job Lambert.

Tonight’s game featuring Team USA vs. team canada (capital letters where appropriate) is more than just a neighbor’s rivalry of noble heroes vs. bitter eskimos or whatever. This game means so much to both countries: one who has asserted itself as the dominant hockey superpower, and one that is Canada.

The Americans are defending more than just freedom, as they are used to doing. (You’re welcome, by the way.) They are also defending the gold medal in this, a tournament held on its own sacred soil. If the Canadians hope to reacquire relevance in the hockey world, they would have to knock off The Americans in order to get back to the gold medal game. But since this is not a movie directed by Rick Moranis — and thank God for that — I wouldn’t bet on the Canadians winning anything but face-offs. And even then, sparingly.

Not even the revolting Canadian Propaganda Administration, headed by the MENSA candidates at TSN can blind North Americans of at least marsupial intelligence that Uncle Sam’s boys are the superior team:

(Warning: the following REAL SCREENSHOT is in no way doctored, and may be disturbing to actual human beings.)

Since the Americans were raised in a civilized society, they thought it at least charitable to extend an olive branch and cordially offer the Canadians the opportunity to forfeit the game. Should the Canadians foolishly decline in an attempt to make a name for themselves by sharing the ice with true, human-sized athletes (as opposed to the Norwegians they became accustomed to pushing around), they will undoubtedly become the biggest embarrassment to their home country since Newfoundland.

This would only irk The Americans, who will be justifiably offended at the Canadians’ denial of peace, and will swiftly institute democracy in the probably-communist state of Canada as a merciful gesture by dismantling the Canadian ‘athletes’ and running them north from whence they came, not unlike their fellow crimson-donning buffoons in the glorious year of 1776.

The Canadians will then be asked to apologize thrice: 1) to the U.S. players for pompously assuming they could share the ice/building/city with them; 2) to their countrymen for sending them further backwards in their futile effort to evolve from sub-humans; 3) to the American Citizens for wasting their time, trying their patience, and impersonating hockey players.

Their penalty will be harsh but fair: getting traded from their current NHL franchises in American based cities to those in Canada, thereby punishing them with a career of hockey failure.

A guest post on the importance of supporting America because all other teams but especially Canada seriously stink

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Here is a thing noteworthy American Arik from the Fourth Line Blog wrote:

“Shall we expect some transatlantic military giant, to step the Ocean, and crush us at a blow? Never!—All the armies of Europe, Asia and Africa combined, with all the treasure of the earth (our own excepted) in their military chest; with a Buonaparte for a commander, could not by force, take a drink from the Ohio, or make a track on the Blue Ridge, in a trial of a thousand years.”

Abraham Lincoln wrote the above lines long before Canada was even a twinkling in the eyes of the British Parliament. Had he known the Great White North unfortunately situated above America would someday be given up on by a country in Europe (the same one that fought tooth and nail to hold on to the Glorious United States of America), he would likely not have changed a thing.

Canada just isn’t threatening.

And yet, fellow Americans, we find ourselves facing a Terrible Canadian Invasion this month of December. The Canadian national junior team will be invading the city of Buffalo followed by their hordes of pasty-faced fans, who have not seen the Sun, which shines so lovingly on Our American States, in months.

They will bring with them their “Tim Horton’s,” “Donchaknows,” and candy in the shape of eggs. They will discuss terrible politics, call hats “touques,” and pour maple syrup over literally everything. Worst of all, they cheer for a team not wearing the Stars and Stripes. This cannot stand; it is an affront to us all.

We successfully struck a blow to the Canadian ego a year ago, when Great American Hero John Carlson scored the overtime winner that pierced the hearts of so many Canadians. They dare push back into our lands, like the Confederate Armies in Gettysburg. But this will be a foolhardy mistake on their part: America stands strong. Heroes such as Jerry D’Amigo, John Ramage, and Jack Campbell will remain a strong wall of Red, White and Blue and they only ask for one thing in return- that you stand behind them.

If you have a treatise on how crummy foreign countries are, or how great America is, you can email us here. Go America.