Great Moments in American History: Jack Johnson’s nonproportional response

On New Year’s Eve in 2005, the U.S. and Canada were playing in a heated game in which it was already decided that both would be through to the medal round.

Things had been a bit chippy all night, with Canada in particular and unsurprisingly committing the bulk of the infractions because, with a roster featuring Steve Downie, Dave Bolland and Kris Russell, they were even lower-rent than you’d likely expect in a normal year.

This game was interesting not only because America was involved, but also because, through a series of back-alley deals and other subterfuge, Canada was technically ahead of the U.S. in the standings, meaning that Our Boys had to outright win to earn a bye straight through to the semifinals. Not a problem, right?

Except Canada continued its rampant cheating and entered the third period clinging to a 2-all tie. Here, America clearly opted to wait until the last possible second to score, probably in an effort to drive ratings and raise more money for USA Hockey and other worthy charitable causes. However, upon pulling the goalie to make it fair to the Canadians, Kyle Chipchura scored into the empty net (recalling what True American Legend Al Iafrate once said about this type of tactic). So the U.S. lost for the first time in any international competition in any sport. More or less by design, and through poor sportsmanship.

But the worst was yet to come as noted gutless puke (see also: Canadian) Steve Downie also took the time to two-hand Jack Johnson in the back of the leg well behind the play. So like America did in 1945, Johnson had no recourse but to teach Downie a lesson he would never forget.

The elbow to Downie’s face was, if the replays are to be believed (and the Canadian propagandists ignored) no more than a shot across the bow, a warning, if you will. A largely harmless show of force. Any American infant would have regarded Johnson’s quote-unquote devastating elbow with bemusement and likely would have slept through it, continuing to dream the untroubled dreams of the innocent, which U.S. residents of all ages enjoy.

That Downie hit the ice as though he was shot at close range a high-powered rifle is unsurprising. That he was perfectly fine afterward underscores what a terrible subhuman he is.

But Johnson’s supposed elbow taught us all a valuable lesson: incurring the wrath of any American is a fool’s errand.

Great Moments in American History: Patrick O’Sullivan’s netfront presence

There can be few sights as horrifying to a pantywaist Canadian (more specifically, one from Quebec!) than that of an oncoming American, hellbent on ruining their pathetic and obviously pointless life.

And so it’s not at all surprising with a living legend and Good American Boy Patrick O’Sullivan coming toward his crease at breakneck speed on a one-on-two advantage against gutless Albertan  Braydon Coburn and British Columbian sadsack Brent Seabrook, Marc-Andre Fleury would be wide-eyed and scared.

In an effort to appease the American aggressor, Fleury did what an cowardly Canadian would: he attempted to sacrifice Coburn’s life to save his own. However, due to his feeble Quebecois arms not being able to shoot hard enough to break the skin on even the feeblest American infant, the puck was not fired with great force, and instead bounced off Coburn.

Seeing this, Fleury attempted to stop from going into his net, surely worried that he might anger O’Sullivan further by not allowing him to score the proper and honorable way he had planned. But being Canadian and therefore useless in all things, the puck bounced past him.

Thanks to the largesse and generosity of spirit for which it has become known, America opted to pull all its players from the ice — and retired to the dressing room to sign autographs for terminally ill children Sidney Crosby had personally spit on prior to the game — for the final five minutes or so. But Canada, even with the goalie pulled, failed to score the equalizer.

That granted the United States the richly-deserved gold medal in the first ever World Junior Championship, and while hockey fans the world over rended their clothes and wept in the streets for the glory of Al Montoya’s celebrated performances, coach Mike Eaves merely shrugged and said, “I’m just sorry we couldn’t get Corey Potter to mediate more Middle East peace talks while we were over here.”

That win capped America’s undefeated 6-0 run through the World Junior field, as they felled Austria (abysmal!), Slovakia (appalling!), Sweden (dreadful!), Russia (terrible!), Finland (adorable!) and Canada (the absolute worst!) by a combined score of 30-8.

Frankly, they’re lucky USA Hockey sent the C squad.