IIHF predictably ruins joyous day

This probably wasn't considered a trip by corrupt and terrible IIHF referees.

This probably wasn’t considered a trip by corrupt and terrible IIHF referees.

Today was meant to have been the first full day of training camp for the future 2013 World Junior Championship gold medal-winning United States of America, a day that symbolically stands as the start of the happiest time of year for every good person on Earth (i.e. those born and living within American borders).

We wore our USA Hockey jerseys, t-shirts, hats, pants, and underwear in anticipation of this wonderful day, but awoke to news that Hockey Canada had already — and predictably — worked its evil and noxious tendrils in the international hockey community to preemptively try to ruin the occasion.

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Canadian Players Profess Love for Bieber

Despite the festive feeling in the air it’s a dangerous world out there. The last week of December sees insidious Canadian jingoism rise 4,000% led by TSN’s goon squad. Our neighbors to the North want nothing more than to steal our good looks, warm weather, sunlight and high adult literacy rate.

It shouldn’t surprise you then that up North they’re occupying themselves idolizing every 13 year old half-talent they can get their hands on. American spies gave their lives to acquire this video, and were likely tortured to death by being forced to watch Little Mosque on the Prairie while being fed only Canada’s idea of Mexican food:

Laugh it up Canada. We hear Charlie Coyle only left Boston University for the QMJHL to learn your customs, to blend in before delivering the final strike.

Faulk held captive by jealous, spiteful Canadian

Well-known and beloved American hero Justin Faulk, currently the greatest player in Carolina Hurricanes history, wanted desperately to represent his country at this upcoming World Junior Championships. So badly, in fact, that he was actually willing to go to Canada to do it.

But nefarious and petty Carolina general manager Jim Rutherford had other ideas.

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Cut day: The shame of a nation

Today Hockey Canada announced the final 22-man roster for its World Junior Championship team in an annual tradition known as cut day, in which the team rids itself of all players who exhibit literacy above a third-grade level.

Now, we have this same day here in the U.S., of course, but it’s not treated like a big deal because we in this, The Greatest Country In The History of the World, have a little bit of something no Canadian has ever been born with: respect and decorum.

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Suspensions highlight American respect for game, unworthy opponents

Two yellow-bellied Slovaks, and a typically revolting Canadian, were given hefty suspensions for headshots in last night’s games.

The Slovakia-United States game produced five of those games to two Slovaks, the heaviest suspension going to Martin Marincin (three games). Peter Hrasko received two additional games while Canada’s Zack Kassian got one extra game.

That they were allowed to live through the night at all once again speaks to the general kindheartedness of all American players.