Canadian propaganda reaches unintentionally hilarious levels

Mark Scheifele in his natural habitat: Parallel to the ice

Mark Scheifele in his natural habitat: Parallel to the ice

Remember that game against Slovakia wherein Mark Scheifele and other Canadian players dove all over the ice and eventually drew enough penalties to save face in a 6-3 win during which two of its players were kicked out of the game for dirty, illegal hits? Sure you do.

The diving throughout the game was so evident, so obvious even to an idiot, that disgusting Canada homer Ray Ferraro could come up with no better defense for its continued use by his cowardly home country than to praise it as “heady” because the refs were calling it. Of course, had it gone the other way, and the Slovaks were the ones doing it, we would have heard all about how dishonorable and disgusting these soft European pukes were, and how Good Canadian Boys would never stoop to such a level.

(Un?)Fortunately, we didn’t have to wait very long for the Canadian version of the Iraqi Minister of Information, TSN, to start spinning things so hard that everyone in the hockey world got motion sickness.

CANADIANS INSIST THEY WON’T DIVE TO GET CALLS

We are, we think you’d agree, off to a roaring start.

UFA, RUSSIA – Canada’s players insist they will not dive to get calls even though the referees at the world junior hockey championship seem to be susceptible to such moves.

You know how we at the Sleeping Giant know those referees are susceptible to such moves? The Canadian team worked those refs harder than the American and British forces worked the French at the Battle of the Plains of Abraham. For 60 minutes.

“Obviously, if you look at the logic, it might be the smart thing to do,

There’s Canada conceding logic doesn’t dictate its gameplans.

but that’s not what Canadian hockey is about,” said forward JC Lipon.

Uhhhh…

“We want to win fair.”

This is JC Lipon saying this. The kid who JUST got suspended one game for elbowing some poor Slovak in the face behind the net at about 100 miles an hour. JC Lipon wouldn’t know fair if he elbowed it in the face behind the net at 100 miles an hour.

Lipon was suspended one game by the IIHF after receiving a five-minute major and game misconduct for “checking to the head and neck area” on Slovakian Tomas Mikus during the first period of Friday’s win.

Love the scare-quotes. As if that wasn’t exactly what Lipon did.

Mikus, who initially appeared to be hurt on the play, didn’t miss a shift and scored a power-play goal on the ensuing man advantage.

Yes, Mark Masters. We too wish that this kid had actually been hurt so as to justify Lipon’s suspension beyond the fact that he literally drove his elbows into Mikus’s face.

“I’m disappointed,” said Lipon, who plays for the Kamloops Blazers in the WHL. “I got to be more disciplined, but kind of watching it a million times, you know, it would have been, probably, a roughing penalty in the CHL.

Well, first of all, you ain’t playing in the CHL, dummy. Second of all, what? You ELBOWED HIM IN THE FACE. No one on earth thought that shouldn’t have been a penalty, except you, your coach, and the clods on TSN. Get a clue, kid.

You just got to watch it.

We did. We saw you elbow him.

Every time you go in for a hit you got to be ready to pay the price with how things are being called.”

Or with how Canada is hitting players: With intent to injure. There’s “hitting” in hockey and there’s hitting with malice, and this was certainly the latter. It wasn’t even trying to take advantage of a guy whose head was down, as Anthony Camara did later in the game in sending a kid to the hospital. This was his elbows coming up and hitting a kid in the face.

But anyway, what does any of that gutless defense of a clearly-dirty play have to do with diving?

In the second period on Friday Anthony Camara was also thrown out of the game after levelling Patrik Luza with a big hit. The call on the ice – a charging major – was only made after it became clear the Slovak was hurt and needed to be stretchered off.

This much is actually true, and while you hate to see a penalty get called to the injury and not the infraction, it wasn’t as if they weren’t going to call anything. It was always a charge, it drew blood, a kid got stretchered off. Majors get called like that about 10 times a season in the NHL, where they’ll pretty much let you kill someone as long as they have the puck. So don’t give us this crap about the IIHF being out to get Canada for hitting too hard.

Camara said an on-ice official told him the hit was clean, but he was ejected nonetheless.

Consider the source. If the ref is incompetent because he called that elbow a major and not just a rough as Lipon wanted, then is he all of a sudden super-competent to say that, “Hey, this call is a bunch of bull but we gotta make it for appearances?” It’s one or the other. Can’t be both.

“This is a tough man’s sport and Anthony Camara is a hard man,” said Canadian head coach Steve Spott. “He plays hard and that was, in my mind, a textbook hockey hit.”

Consider the source, Part II. Steve Spott has had his players diving and playing dirty hockey since he convened the team. So of course he thinks that hit was clean. He’s Canada’s coach, for Christ’s sake.

The ejection left Canada with just 10 forwards.

Yes, 10 forwards who are all already used to playing top-line minutes for their junior clubs and wouldn’t mind playing the extra shifts. Dumb, crybaby point to make. Especially because, given the extra minutes, a guy like Nathan MacKinnon came off the bench and was excellent for the remainder of the game.

The team was already missing Oshawa Generals centre Boone Jenner, who was serving the second of a three-game ban for a late hit during a pre-tournament game against Sweden.

Which once again speaks to Nail Yakupov’s point about how dirty Canada is, but the Canadian media is already out to get that kid because he’s a smelly Russian and what does he know?

Jenner’s hit left Jesper Pettersson with a dislocated shoulder and broken wrist, but Spott has made it clear he feels the penalty was harsh.

If Jenner’s hit had happened any later, it would have happened as we type this. He, like Lipon and Camara, hit with an intent to injure his opponent, and his just happened to come a full second after he released the puck. Steve Spott, it’s pretty safe to say, is not only a bad coach (see the six goals conceded to Germany and Slovakia) but also an idiot.

So what’s a coach to do? Spott admits he’s thought about giving his players the green light to embellish.

You can tell because that’s exactly how Scheifele debased himself for the entire Slovakia game. If the light isn’t completely green, it’s at least yellow. Guys like Scheifele and Dougie Hamilton are flying through the intersection of Fair Play Blvd. and Flop St. doing 60.

“We’ve talked about it as a staff. It’s funny, we said, ‘Maybe it’s something we should start invoking with our players,’

Haha, yeah that is funny. Since you have obviously done that.

but all the Canadian young hockey players from the time they’re five or six years of age to these guys now don’t lie down.

All? But Scheifele is from Kitchener. What are you even talking about, Steve?

We’ll always get up and drag ourselves off the ice.”

Oh we see. They won’t milk an injury for a call. And besides, the only way drag yourself off the ice — and make a big ol’ show of it, I’m sure — is after throwing yourself down at the slightest contact to begin with. So at least that’s some amount of honesty.

Spott pointed out that Mark Scheifele was kneed by Branislav Rapac in the first period on Friday, but didn’t stay down.

As a CHL product, he’s probably just not smart enough to feel pain.

He got up and skated slowly to the bench. “If Mark lies down it’s a five-minute major,” Spott said. The play resulted in a two-minute minor.

Just another IIHF conspiracy! A two-minute call for a knee-on-knee hit? The outrage is palpable!

“That’s not our game,” said Portland Winterhawks winger Ty Rattie, who

…Didn’t watch the contest with Slovakia?

will fill Lipon’s third-line role against the United States on Sunday.

So close.

“If we get hit and we’re not hurt then we get up. That’s one of the first lessons my dad ever taught me when I was playing hockey.”

Ohhhhhh, we get it now. Canada isn’t saying it won’t DIVE, it’s saying it won’t FAKE AN INJURY! Like that kid whose wrist got broken by a dirty hit from Jenner. Or that kid who Lipon elbowed in the face. Or that kid who got stretchered off the ice. Fakers like those Euro softies. Big ol’ fakeroonies, they are. A blight on the sport.

“Some of the penalties were related to injury a little bit

A little bit.

but if you see one of our guys laying on the ice it would be a big surprise to me,” said second-line centre Ryan Strome, who

Got a nosebleed from all the cognitive dissonance?

plays for the Niagara IceDogs in the OHL.

Shoot.

“We’re not going to do anything extra to draw penalties.

Hahahaha. Even Ferraro said you did! He’s the biggest homer there is. We made fun of him for defending your diving, and he sent us a DM on Twitter in which he continued to defend the dive. “Really… It was a good play-a player smells when a call might be made…he did, I think it’s a good play,” Ferraro wrote. Like, it would be one thing if Ferraro said, “Nah, that wasn’t a dive. Fair penalty.” But nope, he said on the broadcast that going down easy on the light crosscheck to the back from a half-hearted Slovak was “heady.” Get your act together, Strome.

We’re going to get our penalties by working hard and moving our feet.”

He’s actually right about that. Because flinging your feet out from under you and landing on your stomach when a guy taps you on the shin guard is technically moving them.

Refusing to dive is one thing, but what about finding a way to put an end to all these ejections and suspensions?Spott can only hope his players are able to walk the fine line set out by the IIHF.

Not illegally hitting people late and high and too hard? That’s not The Canadian Way. And again, it’s not like every other team in the tournament isn’t playing under these same rules. The Russians have had two players pick up majors in the dying minutes of games already because they, like the Canadians, are a gutless, dirty team. Does the KHL not use the IIHF’s international rules? Oh it does? Hmm well then we guess there’s no way at all to explain it. Except maybe you can just stop playing dirty and trying to hurt opponents. Oh right, Canadian Way. Our mistake.

“It’s the old [hot] stove analogy where you touch it and you get burnt,” the coach explained after Saturday’s practice.

We’re going to choose not to guess that this means Canada will be heating up its sticks with a blowtorch before every shift and then trying to burn the U.S. with them, but we also can’t put it past them at this point.

“You got to stay away from it. We’ve preached it, we’ve spoken about it, but ultimately the players have to understand that there’s going to be consequences

Is that..? No, it can’t be. Is that accountability? Has light dawned on Spott? Does he see now the error of his team’s horrible, intentionally injurious ways?

and a two-minute minor back home may be a suspension over here.”

Of course not.

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