I ask you, loyal Sleeping Giant readers, have you ever been to Slovenia? Have you ever met someone who has been there? Your answer is undoubtedly no. We used our deep budget and thorough research skills to find this map of Europe and we didn’t find Slovenia on it anywhere. Proof:
After the Winter Classic tonight the lineup of proud Americans who will represent our proud country in Sochi is in.
While reading this post on Canada’s not at all humiliating loss to a team their erudite fans referred to as “the Dominican Republic or somebody” shortly before losing I thought to myself “this Eastern European guy did a decent job translating his work to English”.
Indeed, the last time any nation with “Czech” in the name that beat Canada at the U20s was January 4, 1993, when the Czech/Slovak Republic won, 7-4.
That sentence is as poorly constructed as Canada’s goaltending program. Fortunately for this site and our sense of smug superiority the author goes on to describe the USA game:
U.S. powers past Germany 8-0. Losers dress just 17 skaters.
That’s a better start, though calling Germany “losers” is a lot like pointing out that most Canadians haven’t seen the sun in three weeks: it’s true but hardly needed to be pointed out. (Those “losers” scored against Canada for the record).
The win was aided in part by Germany’s ability to dress only 17 skaters as three regulars were injured and unable to play.
Ah yes, certainly the US was greatly aided by the fact that some of the powerhouse Germans didn’t suit up. Might have been a close game if those three guys had been on the bench.
So where is our mystery author from? You guessed it. We at the Sleeping Giant look forward to more thinly disguised pro-Canadian propaganda as part of the vast anti-American conspiracy we’ve exposed to you for years.
Team USA proved all non-Americans wrong yet again by clobbering Team Sweden as if they were efficiently packaged cardboard products. Led by Rocco Grimaldi the US hung a three spot on Jonas Gustavsson or whoever to claim what is rightfully America’s: the Gold medal.
We’d like to spend the rest of this recap talking about our place in the hockey world. Lambert and I came here with only the best intentions; to give all of you hockey fans the inside scoop on what hockey is and who would do well in this short tournament.
We didn’t charge anyone for our valuable insight, we simply passed along the facts to anyone with a working internet connection and electricity, and we even printed out some pages in really big font so that Canadians could read too.
For that we were called “homers,” our 100% factual articles were called “jingoistic trash.” Canadians with access to a telegraph and US sympathizers called us “trolls” on Twitter.
Time to admit it: we’re not trolls or looking to get a rise out of anyone. We’re just a couple of proud patriots who can put aside their biases to give you all the inside scoop: that America is the best and everyone else sucks.
Personally we here at the Sleeping Giant stop counting when the US hits four goals since no one has managed to score more than three against the brick wall led by Seth Jones and John Gibson.
We have good intel from US observers buried deep in the Slovakian team structure that the three goals the US gave up was a tip of the cap to laying down for Finland before the tournament: make your future opponents underestimate you.
As proud American Muhammad Ali would tell you: sometimes you need to give someone the rope a dope before charging back and winning when it matters. What else would explain why the US “lost” to Canada and Russia by identical 2-1 scores? How else to explain the US’ preliminary loss to the relegation round bound Finns?
The United States team’s next opponent is the Czech Republic; another 9 goal win and maybe the Czechs and Slovaks should consider becoming one country since they’re right next to each other and both stink. One only wonders what they’d call it? Slovczechia?
Not even sure why we’re writing this up; the US beat Germany 8-0 despite Johnny Gibson coming out after the second period and Alex Galchenyuk’s line spending the third period playing Xbox behind the bench.
John Gibson likely used his time playing Germany to adjust to the time difference in Ufa by taking a nap while his teammates filled the net. Milwaukee’s own Alex Galchenyuk gave us this embarassingly easy (for him) goal and was kind enough to line it up perfectly with the camera man to show the whole world how it’s done:
It may be worth noting that Canada allowed this squad of foreigners with odd names with smiley faces in the middle to score THREE TIMES on them. Contrary to the Canadian Propaganda that they softened the Germans up it’s clear that the German team was encouraged by their favorable result against Canada (only a minus six) before running into the unending destruction known as Team USA.
Sleeping Giant’s Three Stars
1. Team USA
2. Team USA
3. Team USA
Puck Daddy’s proud American editorial staff unearthed this telling story about American hockey dominance:
Such was the scene at Dek Star last weekend, as [Sidney Crosby] strapped on the goalie gear and played for a ball hockey team in a 26-and-over league — unannounced and completely anonymous to his foes until his identity was revealed later in the game.
Save your fork, there’s pie:
“He did play the ball a lot behind the net and stuff like that. I think that’s because he was bored because his team was dominating, ha ha. Legitimately, we may have had 1 or 2 shots.
That’s right: a sleepy team of Western PA dek hockey players took one look at Canada’s best hockey player and agreed immediately – he’d have to play goalie so they could shelter him.
We here at the Sleeping Giant are disappointed that these so called Americans chose to share their game with a Canadian, but at least it was only dek hockey. It would have been an awkward conversation if someone had to explain to Mr. Crosby that he’d mess up the chemistry on the bench or ruin everyone’s good mojo if he were allowed to play on the ice.
Today Nathan Mackinnon, who will be immediately blamed by Canadians for not being Sidney Crosby, tweeted at the only artist available on Canadian radio due to CRTC regulation:
Hey @drake think you could give the Canadian world junior boys a RT?
— Nathan Mackinnon (@Mackinnon9) December 15, 2012
This is a terrifying development for any God fearing peace loving American: it would seem that Canadians have learned to read and will shortly be joining social media to bleat about 2009 when they last managed to win a tournament invented largely to convince Canada they’re good at something.
Master Mackinnon here makes an interesting choice reaching out to one Aubrey “Drake” Graham. Drake, aka. Drizzy aka “Can’t tell this guy apart from Lil’ Wayne”, like most Canadians spends his time looking South to America and asking himself “how can I be like them?”
The tweet has been RTed by every literate Canadian so far except Mr. Graham and is closing in on 70 RTs as we hit publish. Hopefully Nathan Mackinnon gets his wish for a Drake RT on his birthday or if the unthinkable happens and his cat Mr. Mittens gets sick.
In the meantime both Drake albums will be played in full on all Canadian radio stations at their usual times tonight in order to meet Canadian programming quotas. Take Care if you live near the border, and feel free to Thank Me Later.
I prefer to celebrate holidays at the end of the day so you know what you’ve already got. The best part about today’s celebration of apple pie, ass kicking and sweet motorcycles was undoubtedly San Diego’s fireworks.
Just like Zach Parise and Ryan Suter they know what they want in San Diego: all of the fireworks right now. Go USA.
Once again Lambert and I will be donating our services to charity. Bid the most money for us and we’ll do whatever you need blogwise until your team gets bumped from the big dance.