Once again Lambert and I will be donating our services to charity. Bid the most money for us and we’ll do whatever you need blogwise until your team gets bumped from the big dance.
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Questions? Let us know here or on twitter @felixpotvin @twolinepass
Clint Dempsey showed the Italians a thing or two about soccer, aka American Football Jr., today. Personally I hope Giuseppe Rossi, proof that America should saw New Jersey off and let it drift into the ocean, enjoyed watching the team he wasn’t smart enough to play for dust the Italians at home.
“But Italy is rebuilding!” cried out people on Twitter whose grandparents booked it from Italy because it’s a lousy place to live. Rebuilding how? If they lose to a bunch of other teams does Lionel Messi have to fuck an Italian woman first overall in the International Soccer Baby Draft?
The World Junior Championship’s opening round finishes today and the United States has not yet been awarded the gold medal. Investigation by Sleeping Giant’s band of patriots confirms that the US team has been eliminated from the medal round by anti-American factions operating at the highest level of the IIHF.
Sleeping Giant can confirm large payments of monopoly money and beaver pelts to officials at the IIHF to make this disappointing event possible. In response to this travesty the US has considered moving to Division 1 and depriving TSN of the valuable American TV audience.
Fresh off of the unthinkable: team USA losing a game, our lovable heroes are set down the path to redemption because what’s a big sports victory without a little drama? To get your appetite ready here’s some other drama where the good guys won.
And I’ll tell you what we do with humble pie in America: we knock that shit on the floor and get to work making a pie made entirely out of awesome goals.
Despite the festive feeling in the air it’s a dangerous world out there. The last week of December sees insidious Canadian jingoism rise 4,000% led by TSN’s goon squad. Our neighbors to the North want nothing more than to steal our good looks, warm weather, sunlight and high adult literacy rate.
It shouldn’t surprise you then that up North they’re occupying themselves idolizing every 13 year old half-talent they can get their hands on. American spies gave their lives to acquire this video, and were likely tortured to death by being forced to watch Little Mosque on the Prairie while being fed only Canada’s idea of Mexican food:
Laugh it up Canada. We hear Charlie Coyle only left Boston University for the QMJHL to learn your customs, to blend in before delivering the final strike.
One of the many things that distinguishes handsome and intelligent Americans from our sun starved neighbors to the North is our charity.
As the Canadians lick their chops at the possibility of watching their team score eleven goals against a team from a country that’s never heard of hockey we at the Sleeping Giant are making a plea for you to help our cause.
Count on the Canadian media to do one thing from their ivory tower: unfairly blame goaltenders who have given everything to wear their country’s jersey.
Brandon Saad: possible spy?
It has been brought to our attention this morning that one alleged US citizen, a Mr. Brandon Saad, has committed what can only be construed as treason.
Chris Peters from the United States of Hockey presents the evidence:
Saad was then invited to the National Junior Evaluation Camp in Lake Placid. After being named to the initial roster, word came from USA Hockey that the left winger had decided not to attend. None of my sources could explain why and Saad never made his reasoning public.
Not only has Brandon Saad turned down his country in their time of need, not only has Brandon Saad chosen to defect to the OHL (in a sleeper cell team in Michigan as if the writers of this blog are too foolish to see through his treachery) instead of playing for a good NCAA program, but Mr. Saad decided to feign an injury to limit his availability further.
None other than John F. Kennedy said “Ask not what your country can do for you – ask what you can do for your country.” Brandon Saad would be wise to heed his message.
A SLEEPING GIANT AWAKENS