Team USA proved all non-Americans wrong yet again by clobbering Team Sweden as if they were efficiently packaged cardboard products. Led by Rocco Grimaldi the US hung a three spot on Jonas Gustavsson or whoever to claim what is rightfully America’s: the Gold medal.
We’d like to spend the rest of this recap talking about our place in the hockey world. Lambert and I came here with only the best intentions; to give all of you hockey fans the inside scoop on what hockey is and who would do well in this short tournament.
We didn’t charge anyone for our valuable insight, we simply passed along the facts to anyone with a working internet connection and electricity, and we even printed out some pages in really big font so that Canadians could read too.
For that we were called “homers,” our 100% factual articles were called “jingoistic trash.” Canadians with access to a telegraph and US sympathizers called us “trolls” on Twitter.
Time to admit it: we’re not trolls or looking to get a rise out of anyone. We’re just a couple of proud patriots who can put aside their biases to give you all the inside scoop: that America is the best and everyone else sucks.
The Slovaks, pictured running as fast as possible from the US team
Personally we here at the Sleeping Giant stop counting when the US hits four goals since no one has managed to score more than three against the brick wall led by Seth Jones and John Gibson.
We have good intel from US observers buried deep in the Slovakian team structure that the three goals the US gave up was a tip of the cap to laying down for Finland before the tournament: make your future opponents underestimate you.
As proud American Muhammad Ali would tell you: sometimes you need to give someone the rope a dope before charging back and winning when it matters. What else would explain why the US “lost” to Canada and Russia by identical 2-1 scores? How else to explain the US’ preliminary loss to the relegation round bound Finns?
The United States team’s next opponent is the Czech Republic; another 9 goal win and maybe the Czechs and Slovaks should consider becoming one country since they’re right next to each other and both stink. One only wonders what they’d call it? Slovczechia?
Not even sure why we’re writing this up; the US beat Germany 8-0 despite Johnny Gibson coming out after the second period and Alex Galchenyuk’s line spending the third period playing Xbox behind the bench.
John Gibson likely used his time playing Germany to adjust to the time difference in Ufa by taking a nap while his teammates filled the net. Milwaukee’s own Alex Galchenyuk gave us this embarassingly easy (for him) goal and was kind enough to line it up perfectly with the camera man to show the whole world how it’s done:
It may be worth noting that Canada allowed this squad of foreigners with odd names with smiley faces in the middle to score THREE TIMES on them. Contrary to the Canadian Propaganda that they softened the Germans up it’s clear that the German team was encouraged by their favorable result against Canada (only a minus six) before running into the unending destruction known as Team USA.
Such was the scene at Dek Star last weekend, as [Sidney Crosby] strapped on the goalie gear and played for a ball hockey team in a 26-and-over league — unannounced and completely anonymous to his foes until his identity was revealed later in the game.
“He did play the ball a lot behind the net and stuff like that. I think that’s because he was bored because his team was dominating, ha ha. Legitimately, we may have had 1 or 2 shots.
That’s right: a sleepy team of Western PA dek hockey players took one look at Canada’s best hockey player and agreed immediately – he’d have to play goalie so they could shelter him.
We here at the Sleeping Giant are disappointed that these so called Americans chose to share their game with a Canadian, but at least it was only dek hockey. It would have been an awkward conversation if someone had to explain to Mr. Crosby that he’d mess up the chemistry on the bench or ruin everyone’s good mojo if he were allowed to play on the ice.
This is a terrifying development for any God fearing peace loving American: it would seem that Canadians have learned to read and will shortly be joining social media to bleat about 2009 when they last managed to win a tournament invented largely to convince Canada they’re good at something.
Master Mackinnon here makes an interesting choice reaching out to one Aubrey “Drake” Graham. Drake, aka. Drizzy aka “Can’t tell this guy apart from Lil’ Wayne”, like most Canadians spends his time looking South to America and asking himself “how can I be like them?”
NHLers are clearly excited by Mr. Graham’s appearance. “Fist bump? Hand shake?”
The tweet has been RTed by every literate Canadian so far except Mr. Graham and is closing in on 70 RTs as we hit publish. Hopefully Nathan Mackinnon gets his wish for a Drake RT on his birthday or if the unthinkable happens and his cat Mr. Mittens gets sick.
In the meantime both Drake albums will be played in full on all Canadian radio stations at their usual times tonight in order to meet Canadian programming quotas. Take Care if you live near the border, and feel free to Thank Me Later.
I prefer to celebrate holidays at the end of the day so you know what you’ve already got. The best part about today’s celebration of apple pie, ass kicking and sweet motorcycles was undoubtedly San Diego’s fireworks.
Just like Zach Parise and Ryan Suter they know what they want in San Diego: all of the fireworks right now. Go USA.
Clint Dempsey showed the Italians a thing or two about soccer, aka American Football Jr., today. Personally I hope Giuseppe Rossi, proof that America should saw New Jersey off and let it drift into the ocean, enjoyed watching the team he wasn’t smart enough to play for dust the Italians at home.
“But Italy is rebuilding!” cried out people on Twitter whose grandparents booked it from Italy because it’s a lousy place to live. Rebuilding how? If they lose to a bunch of other teams does Lionel Messi have to fuck an Italian woman first overall in the International Soccer Baby Draft?
The World Junior Championship’s opening round finishes today and the United States has not yet been awarded the gold medal. Investigation by Sleeping Giant’s band of patriots confirms that the US team has been eliminated from the medal round by anti-American factions operating at the highest level of the IIHF.
Sleeping Giant can confirm large payments of monopoly money and beaver pelts to officials at the IIHF to make this disappointing event possible. In response to this travesty the US has considered moving to Division 1 and depriving TSN of the valuable American TV audience.
Fresh off of the unthinkable: team USA losing a game, our lovable heroes are set down the path to redemption because what’s a big sports victory without a little drama? To get your appetite ready here’s some other drama where the good guys won.