America reaffirms universal truth: Hockey is ours

Come see how good America looks.

Come see how good America looks.

It didn’t take a genius to guess what a motivated and, frankly, angry American team would do to a pathetic opponent Canada after losing by a single goal in the wholly meaningless preliminary round. The United States took the ice with purpose and routed the supposedly-favored neighbors (notice the lack of a U) to the north 5-1, in a game that shouldn’t have even been that close.

However, we’re not going to sit here and roll around in “We-Told-You-Sos” and “We-Were-Rights” and “You-Were-Wrongs” and “Your-Country-Is-Awfuls” and “Your-Players-Should-Be-Ashameds” and “We-Love-Your-Excuse-Makings” and “America-Kicked-The-Dogturds-Out-Of-Yous” and “You-Deserved-Its” and “We’re-So-Glad-You-Woke-Up-At-4-A.M.-To-Watch-That-Putrid-Performances” and “We-Own-Hockeys.” We, as Americans, have far too much dignity to stoop the that level. Instead, we’ll let the goals do the talking.

The first came from American captain Jake McCabe on a shot from the slot through traffic as the US created havoc in front of poor Malcolm Subban, whose biggest fault today (apart from being a Canadian loser) was that he was not born with x-ray vision.

The second came from American captain Jake McCabe on a shot from the slot through traffic as the US created havoc in front of … wait. The same goal? Twice? How many Canadian first-rounders were on the ice for those two goals? Three for the first and four for the second? Well that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense! We thought those kids were supposed to be good at hockey.

But hey, that was all the scoring in the game through the first period, during which Canada actually outshot the US 10-8.

In the second period, the once-mighty American Superpower Play (TM Sleeping Giant Heavy Industries, 2011-13) didn’t look quite so powerful. However, it’s important to note that this was by design: Canada looked so bad in this game that the Americans, in their infinite generosity, chose to let the Superpower Play go scoreless in the game. Didn’t want to run up the score too badly. Not right away at least.

The lead was broadened further when Ryan Murphy got toe-dragged out of his pants on the sixth goal in Johnny Gaudreau’s last three games. Then, less than 10 minutes later, it was Xavier Oullet’s turn to get embarrassed by an American forward on Gaudreau’s line. He’s probably still trying to figure out what Jimmy Vesey did to him on the goal to make it 4-zip. If we could give Oullet any advice, it would be, “You gotta put it out of your mind, and save some mental capacity for figuring out which one is the triangle on your next big test.” That just about did it for Subban, whose second-biggest biggest fault was that the defensemen in front of him were also Canadian losers.

Finally, in the third period, Canada began to claw back into the game with a shorthanded goal that was scored by Ty Rattie just one second after the ref blew his whistle. We’re not sure why, beyond depthless pity, the clearly corrupt IIHF officials allowed such a goal to stand, but in the end it mattered about as much as Canada does on the global stage: Not at all. Gaudreau re-extended the lead on a partial breakaway thanks to a gorgeous stretch pass from linemate JT Miller.

All of this goes without mentioning the brilliant play of John Gibson in the American crease, though it’s fair to point out that unlike his teammates, he didn’t seem all that bent on good sportsmanship today. He made 36 saves and was — wrongfully — beaten just once, and boy were a number of those saves high-quality. The US defense decided to give the Canadian forwards a couple good looks out of the goodness of their hearts, with one particular chance gifted to Ryan Strome standing out as particularly thoughtful. Nonetheless, Gibson, that old Scrooge, wouldn’t concede except on shots taken the referee signals that he wants play to stop, because unlike in Canada, beneficent American coaches only teach their players to play up to the whistle, not after it.

And so it was that the Canadians were ousted from this little tournament that they hold so dearly. The one for which they willfully humiliate some of the best players in the country by having them perp-walk through a lobby of debased and ravening fanboy “journalists.” The one for which they play only the most honorable kind of hockey, free of dives and cheapshots. The one they brag about dominating but at which they haven’t won gold since 2009 despite playing on home ice twice in that stretch. The one they constantly mentioned as being theirs to win since the NHL wasn’t robbing them of all the elite U-20 talent they send straight to the world’s greatest league. The one in which their teams were undefeated all-time during NHL lockouts. The one in which they are becoming increasingly irrelevant non-factors except in the preliminary round.

We heard a lot of talk today — and after Nail Yakupov spoke the truth about how dirty Canada plays at all times — about how Canada should stop letting foreign kids into the CHL because of how it takes jobs away from such-and-such a junior player from Whitby, or whatever, while giving those foreigners access to the very best junior coaching in the world. But umm, all five American goals were scored by NCAA players, and as for the coaching, well, Steve Spott runs a CHL team, doesn’t he? Phil Housley is a Minnesota High School Hockey coach, and his gameplan for today’s laughable contest made Spott look like an amateur.

It’s time for Canada to face the facts. Hockey’s just not the sport for you. You produce some okay players and make a little noise every once in a while, but four years in a row without gold at World Juniors? And this time after bringing every weapon in your supposedly-prodigious arsenal? Yeah, okay, you’ll probably beat the Russians on Saturday for Bronze but hell, the Slovaks almost beat the Russians. So did the Swiss. That’s the level you’re operating on these days.

71 thoughts on “America reaffirms universal truth: Hockey is ours

    • Come on man,This is complete non-sense and anyone to agree with these comments are foolish,Canada produces okay players?Si
      idney Crosby anyone?Give it a couple years and will see who’s doing what in the N.H.L part from Seth Jones and Trouba and Gibson.We share boarders, we allow many players from different countries to play in the CHL.Would you leave 2100 miles to live in Canada to play in the CHL?Why would you and they do that?I’m not making any excuses as to why we lost today,We were out played.For the writer your taking it a little to far with the US bragging.USA finished 7th last year ,and I hope they win gold on Saturday.They deserve it,to completely knock our system and players in foolish.

      • haha, funny stuff. Classic American b/s. Count your chickens before they hatch. So over all, the tally for American Gold since 2004, is 2. over all medals 2 gold and 2 bronze. in 9 years.
        Canad has 4 gold medals, 3 silver medals and 1 bronze. Now I don’t know much about math but that is a very big difference.
        On to Olympic Medals… USA only has 2 in 53 years and both came before 1981, to Canada’s 8.
        And Phil Housley is a former NHL player, that was coached by some great Canadian Coaches while playing in Canada and USA.
        I predict a gold medal lose to the fantastic Swedes after I read this Pathetic Article.

    • Apparently not only do Canadian’s suck at hockey but they can’t do comedy either. Must be the gold envy!

      By the way knuckleheads, look up the word sarcasm in the dictionary!

  1. I love the single tag at the end. I was expecting a bunch of them as usual, but that’s really all that’s necessary, isn’t it?

  2. For the full effect of this story, you really need to play the Team America theme song in the background. F*** Yeah.

  3. I can’t help but to laugh at this article. Not because I agree, but because it is ridiculous. Ryan Nugent-Hopkins leads the tournament in scoring. He’s both Canadian and a CHL player. And the US hasn’t won a gold medal since 2010. The same year Canada won double gold in the Olympics, a feat they have accomplished twice this millennium. But hey, America is SOOOO good at hockey lol

      • Is this guy for real? Even in this very tournament, Canada still has fewer losses than the US. You played well in the game that mattered and thats how it goes sometimes in tournament play. But having a good night over a team that had a bad one does not suddenly make the US the be all and end all of hockey. Thanks for the laugh though.

        • Typical Canadian hypocrit, argue that overall loses is somehow important, but I doubt you were making that argument and saying that the US was the superior team in the Olympics when they lost fewer games.

          • You won a game, holy shit lets write a gay ass article with terrible grammar , oh grammar is the part that……never mind your a fucktard and won’t understand. Nice game almost as good as your sorry ass economy, way to be the skid mark on the global level. From your friendly northern!!!!!

          • Trolling…I give you props for winning today.outplayed us just the fact the you can’t just love the game and lower yourself to name calling speak volumes about your character.You won Props to you,no excuses.Don’t make silly comments you can’t back up..

    • Exactly. And it’s not like the Americans have been brilliant in this tournament, either. Two losses, including one against the Russians that the writer here is so quick to malign.

    • Ok, so the article probably exaggerates on some things (or maybe more than just “some”) but the fact is that we in the US hockey community are pretty tired of being looked down on by the Canadians. Yes, you have your double golds, yes you have the claim to having ice hockey as your national sport, and yes you have RNH and the other high draft picks. BUT…the fact is that the USA has more Olympic men’s hockey medals than Canada, the USA finished higher than the USSR more times than Canada did, and, on a more recent note, the US has 3 more top ten scorers in this years WJC than does Canada.
      So please…respect our abilities and our history as we respect yours.

      • Dude, you guys are just a bunch of wannabe’s. You guys think you are the best at everything but really you look like a bunch of idiots to the rest of the world. I’m fact I get embarrassed for you

        • Yes we’re embarassing, says the guy who showed up to let everyone know that losing doesn’t matter if you won in the past.

  4. As a Canadian hockey fan the thing that irritates me to no end is the expectation of gold every goddamn year. It’s not going to happen and this expectation prevents the average fan, and now the coaches and selection committee members, of objectively analysing the team. It seemed, as a coach, that Steve Spott was out of his depth. It’s quite simple, we’re no longer dominant enough to have this arrogance about our skill and dismissing the quality of our opponents.
    Fair play to the Americans though. They showed how great talent and sticking to the keys of the game will win you hockey games.
    Hoping the Americans win the gold medal. Also, I hate you Lambert.

    • BAM. And there it is. Very fair comments. The Canadians aren’t going to win gold every time. They aren’t going to win every game. And, the game is so global that other teams, the Swiss being a great example, are catching up, making it less likely that Canada can win every time. Doesn’t mean that they won’t win the most, it just means that Canada needs to kind of look at that sense of entitlement. I really hate the media coverage of the WJCs too. It’s one thing if the players are pros, but I’ve read some journalists that have outright destroyed the Canadia kids for not living up to baseless and unrealistic expectations, which I imagine is where Lambert the Professional Troll was going with this piece… well, that and thumbing his nose at everyone that he trolls on Twitter.

  5. You guys are so cute. Personally I love when the US beats Canada in Hockey. You guys lose most of the time, but when you win you make everyone wish they never played :)

  6. On behalf of Canada, I would like to congratulate you on making it to the gold medal match. You have an excellent team this year. Lambert if you ever try to enter our country, you’ll be subject to a four-hour cavity search and subsequently require years of therapy. It might be quite expensive without free health care so start saving your American loonies.

  7. USA will probably be regulated in the next five years.

    So many more people in their pathetic country than there are in Canada and yet they can barely produce any athletes at all.

  8. How about you learn some proper grammar,your just another retarded, ignorant, moronic, dipshit, uneducated, American. How does it feel to be apart of a second-rate, broke, country that couldn’t find it’s ass with two hands

    • You just called america dumb and uneducated, yet you don’t know the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’.

      Furthermore, you don’t even know to use something like ‘apart’ correctly. And really, ‘retarded’? Show some class.

      You just make Canadians look dumb, your countrymen are probably ashamed of you.

      Canada’s pain, Americas gain. America fuck yeah.

      • *Note my correct use of ‘your’. Something you never probably learned with YOUR second rate socialist education.

    • If you’re going to bash someone’s grammar, please use correct grammar yourself.

      “How about you learn some proper grammar,your ( you’re) just another retarded, ignorant, moronic, dipshit, uneducated (no comma) American. How does it feel to be apart (away from?) of a second-rate, broke, country that couldn’t find it’s ass with two hands (period or exclamation to end your rant).”

    • What’s all that aboot, eh?

      Not sure but I think the writers spent their learning years in the CBL, the Canadian Bloggers League. We have some great bloggers here but they all learned how to blog in the Canadian system, and were trained by former Canadian bloggers. So you see they are all really a product of the Canadian system……

  9. Speaking as a disappointed Canadian, this is awesome. Screw ‘em if they can’t take a joke (or in many Canadian’s case today, even understand it).

  10. I am an American and although I would love to agree with the author, I can’t in good conscience. I have read his articles before and he seems to enjoy baiting others into over reacting. Take what he says with a grain of salt.

    Jim

  11. Typical Ugly American argument. Mega troll that you are, I know better than to judge your country by you.

    You think that your Super Power ™ was built completely by you. As soon as you can, you forget your partners and act like US Hockey is an insular home grown triumph. It’s not. Hockey in both Canada and the US is so damn interconnected its hard to even start with how and why that is.

    It was a good win by a good team. Congrats.

  12. Just a reminder to our Canadian friends, this is a tongue-in-cheek article. But there is one sliver of truth in it: the game is becoming more global and more and more countries are becoming competitive.

  13. Some people need to relax! I thought this article was hilarious, and I was one of the disappointed Cdns to stay up and watch us fail to show up and get our asses kicked. Canada shows up every year with a great team, but there are other great teams, it’s a short tournament, and anyone can win it now. We showed up unprepared for this game, Gibson made some incredible key saves, and the americans have a really good team.

  14. USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa USA usa

  15. That. Was. Awesome!!!!

    What’s even better is that these Canadians can’t even tell that it’s satire. Hahaha

  16. This is trolling at its very best. I love it! As a Canadian, I often find your work on Puck Daddy as pedantic, overly simplistic, and biased, but this site is truly funny. Well done!

  17. The US defensemen weren’t showing good sportsmanship in allowing golden opportunities. The opposite, in fact.

    They knew that those clown Canadian forwards couldn’t beat Gibson. Those shots were just a way to let them gets their hopes up only to subsequently realize the futility of their efforts.

    In effect, taunting.

  18. Truly an incredible satirical work that is so far above the typical bland, boring, insipid and completely useless efforts that we are accustomed from you on the Puck Daddy website.

    Compared to the trite, aimless, thoughtless and tidbits of lame information that you package together in your weekly updates, this is a veritable triumph of Swiftian proportions.

    Had I not been subjected to the pointless and inane claptrap that is your typical artform, I would not be half as impressed as I am right now.

    Congratulations on moonlighting so cleverly away from your typical stomping grounds of ineffectual and inarticulate garbage!

  19. Wow, I’m an American who is quite fond of Canada, but after this display of ineptitude and futility I will now have to give up cutting down trees in my red flannel while making syrup and eating poutine next to my igloo.
    Relax you crazy Canucks, we kid because we love

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