USA Proves All Haters Are Babies With Cakewalk to Expected Gold

Those are gold medals.

Those are gold medals.

Team USA proved all non-Americans wrong yet again by clobbering Team Sweden as if they were efficiently packaged cardboard products. Led by Rocco Grimaldi the US hung a three spot on Jonas Gustavsson or whoever to claim what is rightfully America’s: the Gold medal.

We’d like to spend the rest of this recap talking about our place in the hockey world. Lambert and I came here with only the best intentions; to give all of you hockey fans the inside scoop on what hockey is and who would do well in this short tournament.

We didn’t charge anyone for our valuable insight, we simply passed along the facts to anyone with a working internet connection and electricity, and we even printed out some pages in really big font so that Canadians could read too.

For that we were called “homers,” our 100% factual articles were called “jingoistic trash.” Canadians with access to a telegraph and US sympathizers called us “trolls” on Twitter.

Time to admit it: we’re not trolls or looking to get a rise out of anyone. We’re just a couple of proud patriots who can put aside their biases to give you all the inside scoop: that America is the best and everyone else sucks.

America reaffirms universal truth: Hockey is ours

Come see how good America looks.

Come see how good America looks.

It didn’t take a genius to guess what a motivated and, frankly, angry American team would do to a pathetic opponent Canada after losing by a single goal in the wholly meaningless preliminary round. The United States took the ice with purpose and routed the supposedly-favored neighbors (notice the lack of a U) to the north 5-1, in a game that shouldn’t have even been that close.

However, we’re not going to sit here and roll around in “We-Told-You-Sos” and “We-Were-Rights” and “You-Were-Wrongs” and “Your-Country-Is-Awfuls” and “Your-Players-Should-Be-Ashameds” and “We-Love-Your-Excuse-Makings” and “America-Kicked-The-Dogturds-Out-Of-Yous” and “You-Deserved-Its” and “We’re-So-Glad-You-Woke-Up-At-4-A.M.-To-Watch-That-Putrid-Performances” and “We-Own-Hockeys.” We, as Americans, have far too much dignity to stoop the that level. Instead, we’ll let the goals do the talking.

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Wow the US beat the tar out of the Czechs I can’t believe it

Johnny Gaudreau knows America is great!

Johnny Gaudreau knows America is great!

Another former Soviet Bloc country ran up against the mighty Americans today and, as in the late 1980s and early 1990s, was brought to its knees by the superiority of everything that makes the United States of America great. It’s really not even worth getting into just how badly the US clowned the Czech Republic today, except to say that it scored five power play goals and killed all six such opportunities going the other way.

Johnny Gaudreau, proving he was saving it for games that actually mattered, netted a hat trick for the Americans in this 7-0 win, John Gibson shutout. Jacob Trouba four-point night.  JT Miller three points. Riley Barber two goals. And so forth.

Let’s not forget that in playing both sides of the former Czechoslovakia in its last two games, America hung 16 goals on its opponents after only scoring twice against Canada and Russia. The win today was, in fact, so utterly convincing that even arrogant Canadian scumbags on Twitter are saying they expect a good game, just days after deriding the US as being complete shit despite their only getting a 2-1 win thanks to one bad period. Already running scared. What a bunch of clowns.