The World Junior Championship’s opening round finishes today and the United States has not yet been awarded the gold medal. Investigation by Sleeping Giant’s band of patriots confirms that the US team has been eliminated from the medal round by anti-American factions operating at the highest level of the IIHF.
Sleeping Giant can confirm large payments of monopoly money and beaver pelts to officials at the IIHF to make this disappointing event possible. In response to this travesty the US has considered moving to Division 1 and depriving TSN of the valuable American TV audience.
Fresh off of the unthinkable: team USA losing a game, our lovable heroes are set down the path to redemption because what’s a big sports victory without a little drama? To get your appetite ready here’s some other drama where the good guys won.
Despite the festive feeling in the air it’s a dangerous world out there. The last week of December sees insidious Canadian jingoism rise 4,000% led by TSN’s goon squad. Our neighbors to the North want nothing more than to steal our good looks, warm weather, sunlight and high adult literacy rate.
It shouldn’t surprise you then that up North they’re occupying themselves idolizing every 13 year old half-talent they can get their hands on. American spies gave their lives to acquire this video, and were likely tortured to death by being forced to watch Little Mosque on the Prairie while being fed only Canada’s idea of Mexican food:
Laugh it up Canada. We hear Charlie Coyle only left Boston University for the QMJHL to learn your customs, to blend in before delivering the final strike.
To the surprise of zero people on the planet the US of A opened its 2011-12 World Junior Championships campaign with a stunningly easy victory over Denmark.
Not that it looked so good through the first 20 minutes. The US, presumably because it felt so badly that it was being forced by archaic IIHF rules to beat a team so poor as the Danes, flatly refused to make an even cursory effort at killing penalties. But because the Americans are clearly the most gentlemanly and cool team in the tournament, they were only able to convince the refs to give the Danes three power plays. So that was Denmark’s three goals accounted for.
One of the many things that distinguishes handsome and intelligent Americans from our sun starved neighbors to the North is our charity.
As the Canadians lick their chops at the possibility of watching their team score eleven goals against a team from a country that’s never heard of hockey we at the Sleeping Giant are making a plea for you to help our cause.
Well-known and beloved American hero Justin Faulk, currently the greatest player in Carolina Hurricanes history, wanted desperately to represent his country at this upcoming World Junior Championships. So badly, in fact, that he was actually willing to go to Canada to do it.
But nefarious and petty Carolina general manager Jim Rutherford had other ideas.
Today Hockey Canada announced the final 22-man roster for its World Junior Championship team in an annual tradition known as cut day, in which the team rids itself of all players who exhibit literacy above a third-grade level.
Now, we have this same day here in the U.S., of course, but it’s not treated like a big deal because we in this, The Greatest Country In The History of the World, have a little bit of something no Canadian has ever been born with: respect and decorum.