USA Hockey responsible for death of Osama Bin Laden, obviously

As you have all likely heard by now, Osama Bin Laden, the terrorist leader of Al Qaeda and mastermind behind the Sept. 11, 2001 attacks on the United States, has been killed by operatives outside Islamabad, Pakistan.

Hooray.

Now, sources for the Sleeping Giant can confirm what we’ve all suspected. It is no small coincidence that the action, which came Sunday morning and was announced by President Barack Obama just after midnight on Monday, came on an off day for the Vancouver Canucks and the USA Hockey team currently competing in the World Championships.

A brave squad of about 15 players, led by Vancouver’s should-be captain Ryan Kesler, stormed the compound where the terrorist leader was hiding out, living in constant fear that San Jose would get eliminated and Joe Pavelski would soon be on his trail.

This, of course, should have served as a warning to other nations that, seriously, you don’t tangle with the good ol’ US of A. But no, Norway was foolish enough to take the ice against the Red, White and Blue today, and look what happened.

Sure, the Norwegians went up 2-0 nice and early, taking advantage of the US’s severe case of jetlag, having flown all night after killing the world’s most infamous terrorist leader (you’re welcome, by the way), but then America did what America does, storming the second period like a mansion in Abbottabad and cruising to an effortless 4-2 win.

After the game, US players were instructed not to talk about the incident — you know, Black Ops and all — but were visibly bursting with pride at having had the privilege of being born in the world’s greatest hockey nation.

However, not all hockey players were delighted at the happy news.

After Team Canada’s practice, PROBABLE militant terrorist Matt Duchene said, “It’s pretty good news.”

Only PRETTY good, Duchene? Not to editorialize, but this is literally the most shameful thing anyone has ever said or done in world history. Just another Canadian puke going out of his way to belittle America, the best thing that ever happened to anyone. What about the moon landing, Duchene? A little conflict called WORLD WAR II ever heard of it?

Show a little respect for the brave men of USA Hockey, and then stand with knee-shaking fear as they win gold in Slovakia.

By the way, reports that Bin Laden was killed wearing a Hockey Canada jersey and STILL bragging about Vancouver are unconfirmed.