A guest post previewing tonight’s easy American win

Here is a post written by goodhearted American Reed Kaufman, creator of Crowned Royal. Please REED it. Hahaha good job Lambert.

Tonight’s game featuring Team USA vs. team canada (capital letters where appropriate) is more than just a neighbor’s rivalry of noble heroes vs. bitter eskimos or whatever. This game means so much to both countries: one who has asserted itself as the dominant hockey superpower, and one that is Canada.

The Americans are defending more than just freedom, as they are used to doing. (You’re welcome, by the way.) They are also defending the gold medal in this, a tournament held on its own sacred soil. If the Canadians hope to reacquire relevance in the hockey world, they would have to knock off The Americans in order to get back to the gold medal game. But since this is not a movie directed by Rick Moranis — and thank God for that — I wouldn’t bet on the Canadians winning anything but face-offs. And even then, sparingly.

Not even the revolting Canadian Propaganda Administration, headed by the MENSA candidates at TSN can blind North Americans of at least marsupial intelligence that Uncle Sam’s boys are the superior team:

(Warning: the following REAL SCREENSHOT is in no way doctored, and may be disturbing to actual human beings.)

Since the Americans were raised in a civilized society, they thought it at least charitable to extend an olive branch and cordially offer the Canadians the opportunity to forfeit the game. Should the Canadians foolishly decline in an attempt to make a name for themselves by sharing the ice with true, human-sized athletes (as opposed to the Norwegians they became accustomed to pushing around), they will undoubtedly become the biggest embarrassment to their home country since Newfoundland.

This would only irk The Americans, who will be justifiably offended at the Canadians’ denial of peace, and will swiftly institute democracy in the probably-communist state of Canada as a merciful gesture by dismantling the Canadian ‘athletes’ and running them north from whence they came, not unlike their fellow crimson-donning buffoons in the glorious year of 1776.

The Canadians will then be asked to apologize thrice: 1) to the U.S. players for pompously assuming they could share the ice/building/city with them; 2) to their countrymen for sending them further backwards in their futile effort to evolve from sub-humans; 3) to the American Citizens for wasting their time, trying their patience, and impersonating hockey players.

Their penalty will be harsh but fair: getting traded from their current NHL franchises in American based cities to those in Canada, thereby punishing them with a career of hockey failure.

Sleeping Giant Blog to Take Well-Earned Vacation

Due to the overwhelming superiority of the US world junior championship team we here at Sleeping Giant have decided to give ourselves a well deserved break.

Since nothing of note is happening in the tournament until Monday when the USA plays its next victim things will be quiet for two days around here.

We’ll use our time to recoup our energy and focus on using it to bring back Jeremy Morin and Jason Zucker; innocent targets of a vast Canadian boarding conspiracy led by TSN and the Vatican.

The US WJC team will use tomorrow to show orphans how to apply for Canadian citizenship in order to make their lunchpail world junior squad.

XOXO,
Jason and Ryan

U.S. strut to semis with dominant, easily-predicted win

You have to hand it to the Swiss, they gave the US its best game of the tournament. Of course, that’s because these supposedly neutral cheese-making cowards had a very clear gameplan: if you see an American’s numbers, put your shoulder between ‘em.

As the rest of the world was reveling in another year of clear American dominance over the sport of hockey, the mighty nation’s greatest players under 20 cruised to a 2-1 over the hated Swiss. In doing so, they advanced to the semifinals, on goals from Charlie Coyle and Mitch Callahan, and yet another casually dominant performance from Jack Campbell.

The game was marred by controversy. How much better would the Americans have fared if the game was called equitably, and the crew of clock-winding ne’er-do-wells in red and white were actually whistled for the many, many boarding and hitting from behind penalties they rightly deserved to have called against them?

But the US is not Canada, and therefore doesn’t have to deal with “what-ifs.” We don’t have to imagine how good America would be if not for its terrible goaltending, because Jack Campbell is perhaps the best netminder that ever lived, and Olivier Roy clearly the worst.

The Swiss tactic successfully forced Stalwart American Patrick Wey to be removed from the game, as coach Keith Allain was concerned the defenseman would become annoyed, and beat Reto Schappi to death with Nino Niederreiter.

With this win, the US became one of two teams in the tournament to have not lost a single game. This is because Sweden, the other team that went undefeated, got a bracket chock full of cupcakes, including Norway, the Czechs, and Canada.

Speaking of which, America will host the winner of Sunday’s quarterfinal matchup (haha) between the Canadian and Swiss sides on Monday night in what is sure to be the most one-sided contest in Buffalo since Czolgosz vs. McKinley. (In this scenario, the US is Czolgosz.)