Glourious basterds dispatch deutschbags with ease

An American hadn’t beaten anyone that badly since the Bear Jew knocked a couple German officers’ brains outta the ballpark, and with that the United States is now just one alarmingly easy win away from a semifinals date with an unworthy foe.

To truly highlight the breeziness with which America dispatched their German foes in a 4-0 victory, all you need to see, once again, is the first-period shot differential. It was 23-2 in favor of the U.S. and one of those German shots wasn’t even actually on net.

Actually, the game almost started on a sour note for America, as difficult as that is to believe, because the goal light behind Jack Campbell was stuck on. Call it what you will, wishful thinking from the Germans, an IIHF conspiracy or the light just wanting to make sure it had its moves down for when the U.S. assaulted that end in the second period, but technical malfunctions such as these can only lead us to find one root cause: Canadian involvement.

Fortunately, Charlie Coyle and Jerry D’Amigo scored 48 seconds apart in the first period after the visitors took a slew of penalties, allowing the U.S. to practice passing the puck around the perimeter so as not to further embarrass their overwhelmed opponents, as it chose not to rifle the puck toward goal despite shooting lanes as open as the streets of Dresden the day after the firebombings.

Then the second period came and, even as the Germans got unnecessarily aggressive and frustrated, America took its foot off the gas (out of the goodness of its collective and massive heart) and only bothered to double its lead on goals from Jon Merrill and Chris Kreider.

At some point in the third period, Campbell was yanked not because he was playing badly — he of course did not allow a single goal — but because playing in this game against opponents this poor simply wasn’t worth his time. In came Andy Iles, who, like Campbell before him, shouldn’t have even bothered playing at all. With the rest of his teammates having not emerged from the dressing room for the final 20 minutes, Iles still outshot Germany 10-2, but didn’t score because his heart wasn’t in it.

Who can blame him?

Great Moments in American History: Jack Johnson’s nonproportional response

On New Year’s Eve in 2005, the U.S. and Canada were playing in a heated game in which it was already decided that both would be through to the medal round.

Things had been a bit chippy all night, with Canada in particular and unsurprisingly committing the bulk of the infractions because, with a roster featuring Steve Downie, Dave Bolland and Kris Russell, they were even lower-rent than you’d likely expect in a normal year.

This game was interesting not only because America was involved, but also because, through a series of back-alley deals and other subterfuge, Canada was technically ahead of the U.S. in the standings, meaning that Our Boys had to outright win to earn a bye straight through to the semifinals. Not a problem, right?

Except Canada continued its rampant cheating and entered the third period clinging to a 2-all tie. Here, America clearly opted to wait until the last possible second to score, probably in an effort to drive ratings and raise more money for USA Hockey and other worthy charitable causes. However, upon pulling the goalie to make it fair to the Canadians, Kyle Chipchura scored into the empty net (recalling what True American Legend Al Iafrate once said about this type of tactic). So the U.S. lost for the first time in any international competition in any sport. More or less by design, and through poor sportsmanship.

But the worst was yet to come as noted gutless puke (see also: Canadian) Steve Downie also took the time to two-hand Jack Johnson in the back of the leg well behind the play. So like America did in 1945, Johnson had no recourse but to teach Downie a lesson he would never forget.

The elbow to Downie’s face was, if the replays are to be believed (and the Canadian propagandists ignored) no more than a shot across the bow, a warning, if you will. A largely harmless show of force. Any American infant would have regarded Johnson’s quote-unquote devastating elbow with bemusement and likely would have slept through it, continuing to dream the untroubled dreams of the innocent, which U.S. residents of all ages enjoy.

That Downie hit the ice as though he was shot at close range a high-powered rifle is unsurprising. That he was perfectly fine afterward underscores what a terrible subhuman he is.

But Johnson’s supposed elbow taught us all a valuable lesson: incurring the wrath of any American is a fool’s errand.

Suspensions highlight American respect for game, unworthy opponents

Two yellow-bellied Slovaks, and a typically revolting Canadian, were given hefty suspensions for headshots in last night’s games.

The Slovakia-United States game produced five of those games to two Slovaks, the heaviest suspension going to Martin Marincin (three games). Peter Hrasko received two additional games while Canada’s Zack Kassian got one extra game.

That they were allowed to live through the night at all once again speaks to the general kindheartedness of all American players.

Expected win results in minimal casualties

That sound you heard tonight was not, in fact, the largest earthquake ever recorded by man, but rather the United States U20 hockey team putting its foot down and saying enough was enough.

It had been largely criticized for its largess in allowing Finland to only lose in overtime, and having heard just about enough talk from the Canadian media about how this USA team wasn’t “for real” and that the Great White North’s shabby collection of highly-touted prospects was enough to roll over any number of countries, America included, these great patriots clearly decided that this was the end of that talk.

Surely, because of this country’s overwhelming beneficence, it was greatly saddened by the fact that it had to make an example of Slovakia, a country of roughly 140 people, none of whom are male. But an example was necessitated by the general chuckling-up-their-sleeve of the Toronto-based, heavily-biased media. And by that, of course, we mean Pierre McGuire and the rest of the sycophantic dolts on TSN.

So yes, the US poured 57 shots at the Slovak net, but what were they supposed to do? They had been victimized by an early headshot perpetrated by the cowardly Peter Hrasko, whom we have reason to believe is a Canadian double agent (certainly, he’s bad enough at hockey to pass for a Quebecois nobody). Their hands were forced.

Frankly, 6-1 with goals from a slew of players including Kyle Palmieri, who had two goals and a helper, was a bit kind to a rather poor team, but again, the American spirit of generosity cannot be underestimated. That these particular Euro straphangers had to be victimized was unfortunate happenstance. That Jack Campbell literally slept through the first period a showcasing of the American talent to which we’ve grown accustomed (and he still made a save).

And keep in mind that this 57-18 shot differential and wholesale bloodbath all happened without the aid of two good, strong American boys, who were given the night off to pursue leisure activities of their choosing.

There are now four games remaining in America’s run to their third gold medal. All that dared oppose them have been swept aside with shocking ease and bravado.

Believe us when we tell you that you don’t want to be next.

Naïve Canadian emailer remarkably naïve

Yes, it’s true, the day after Canada flaunted its 15-first-round-pick blue-collar dominance over a poorly-constructed and out-of-its-depth Russian team — while their American counterparts demurely and diplomatically allowed Finland to skulk into overtime — we finally got our first bit of hate mail. We are, of course, posting it in its entirety.

Now, keep in mind that basically this entire message is [sic]’d because it exhibits what we can only assume is a very common Canadian quality: illiteracy. So wade hip-deep into this meandering, poorly-written screed against all things good (read also: American), short on cogent thought or the use of the Enter key, and long on use of the word “disgusting.”

But don’t say we didn’t warn you.

From:     Brianne Seamans
Subject:     Your Tumblr
Date:     December 27, 2010 10:18:55 AM EST

Someone posted a link to your tumblr on Twitter. So like usual I thought I would check it out.

This is, without a doubt, the best decision a Canadian ever made.

It was absolutely disgusting to read the way you talk about the US being far more superior then other countries.

We never once used the words “far more superior then other countries” because we are not clods.

The US has only won it twice – thats pathetic compared to all the other countries. Also, bragging about how amazing American fans are over other countries,

We don’t consider it bragging so much as we do “pointing out basic facts.”

such as Canada’s pale-faced,

Racist.

is disgusting.

That’s two times now.

Most Americans are to busy getting knocked up or shooting people that they have no idea what hockey even is.

Now who’s being disgusting?

Incase your unaware more Canadians showed up to a USA game because most Americans dont give a shit about hockey.

Correction: they don’t give a shit about Buffalo. And who can blame them?

Also to call the Canadians ‘pale faced’ is hilarious because most northern states in the USA get more snow then inhabited places of Canada – dont you remember geography class.

Apparently about as well as you remember English.

I know your not going to do anything about your site but it just re-enforces why so many people dislike Americans.

And here, Canadians have shown themselves to be the epitome of class.

You need to show how Americans are not biased and not heavy exaggerates

If any reader can decipher what this means, please email us at your earliest convenience.

- you need to have some truth and admit you like USA Hockey not saying something which isnt true that they dominate over everyone else.

We actually have too much truth. It’s collecting dust in the corner of our office. Please, Brianne, come take it away so you, too, can discover that Canada is really quite shabby.

Maybe if the USA was to win another international hockey tournament not concerning kids under 20 years old then USA Hockey can be considered a strong-competitive hockey nation. To say they are a lot better then other countries is a pure joke.

We’ve been laughing all morning.

Glorious Overlords Show Mercy to Hapless Finns

The United States World Junior team started the tournament off with a merciful bang. The Finns, too busy debating over whether their version of Scrabble should be half ‘N’ tiles or all ‘N’ tiles, were clearly outmatched the entire game except for the 20 seconds or so in which they were allowed to score. The rest of the time, the U.S. team was much better, including intermission, and Jason Zucker was excellent in the inner tube race before the national anthems.

The game started off with a power play goal from True American Justin Faulk who scored on a slapshot from the point the American Way. Small children in American households will now likely be practicing dropping bombs on the Finnish net from the point like General Petraeus is in charge.

The Finns answered back with a goal that the Americans were merciful enough to let into the net. Attempting to stay under the radar means the Americans will purposefully win close games rather than show off against pathetic opponents like Canada. The US squad is, in fact, so comfortable they let Jeremy Morin and Brock Nelson have the night off, and might even allow them to spend a few days not playing.

Later, Zucker scored off a turnover that came as the Finns were busy debating whether their word for “short side” had 35 letters or 36. With their 2-1 lead completely intact the US sqaud showed off its skill again. Kyle Palmieri skated through their entire team twice and was kind enough to leave the puck next to the post so as not to run up the score. Jeremy Morin showed off his deadly shot with a nice timing play to get the goal waved off by an official who felt Finland had already had their feelings hurt badly enough.

Seeing his point, the US wasn’t done being generous to the Finns. They allowed the Finnish team to tie it up on a weird bouncy goal, to show clemency and compassion to the outmatched Scandinavians. This sent the game to OT where Nick Bjugstad, fresh out of being cleared as a real American and not a Northern European spy, scored on a soft wrist shot to demonstrate the Americans ability to score at will.

Game one: in the books.

A guest post on the importance of supporting America because all other teams but especially Canada seriously stink

Here is a thing noteworthy American Arik from the Fourth Line Blog wrote:

“Shall we expect some transatlantic military giant, to step the Ocean, and crush us at a blow? Never!—All the armies of Europe, Asia and Africa combined, with all the treasure of the earth (our own excepted) in their military chest; with a Buonaparte for a commander, could not by force, take a drink from the Ohio, or make a track on the Blue Ridge, in a trial of a thousand years.”

Abraham Lincoln wrote the above lines long before Canada was even a twinkling in the eyes of the British Parliament. Had he known the Great White North unfortunately situated above America would someday be given up on by a country in Europe (the same one that fought tooth and nail to hold on to the Glorious United States of America), he would likely not have changed a thing.

Canada just isn’t threatening.

And yet, fellow Americans, we find ourselves facing a Terrible Canadian Invasion this month of December. The Canadian national junior team will be invading the city of Buffalo followed by their hordes of pasty-faced fans, who have not seen the Sun, which shines so lovingly on Our American States, in months.

They will bring with them their “Tim Horton’s,” “Donchaknows,” and candy in the shape of eggs. They will discuss terrible politics, call hats “touques,” and pour maple syrup over literally everything. Worst of all, they cheer for a team not wearing the Stars and Stripes. This cannot stand; it is an affront to us all.

We successfully struck a blow to the Canadian ego a year ago, when Great American Hero John Carlson scored the overtime winner that pierced the hearts of so many Canadians. They dare push back into our lands, like the Confederate Armies in Gettysburg. But this will be a foolhardy mistake on their part: America stands strong. Heroes such as Jerry D’Amigo, John Ramage, and Jack Campbell will remain a strong wall of Red, White and Blue and they only ask for one thing in return- that you stand behind them.

If you have a treatise on how crummy foreign countries are, or how great America is, you can email us here. Go America.

Cut players would have easily made competition’s first lines

Matt Nieto and Adam Clendening were among the human sacrifices coming in response to the Canadian media’s laughable claim that the United States have allegedly lost a game.

The cut players’ families have been moved to mandatory “Voluntary Fun Zones” for re-education.

As an editorial aside, we here at Sleeping Giant assure you that the U.S. did not in fact lose, and these sacrifices have been planned for months to help the crops grow and also to ensure victory.