USA Proves All Haters Are Babies With Cakewalk to Expected Gold

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Those are gold medals.

Those are gold medals.

Team USA proved all non-Americans wrong yet again by clobbering Team Sweden as if they were efficiently packaged cardboard products. Led by Rocco Grimaldi the US hung a three spot on Jonas Gustavsson or whoever to claim what is rightfully America’s: the Gold medal.

We’d like to spend the rest of this recap talking about our place in the hockey world. Lambert and I came here with only the best intentions; to give all of you hockey fans the inside scoop on what hockey is and who would do well in this short tournament.

We didn’t charge anyone for our valuable insight, we simply passed along the facts to anyone with a working internet connection and electricity, and we even printed out some pages in really big font so that Canadians could read too.

For that we were called “homers,” our 100% factual articles were called “jingoistic trash.” Canadians with access to a telegraph and US sympathizers called us “trolls” on Twitter.

Time to admit it: we’re not trolls or looking to get a rise out of anyone. We’re just a couple of proud patriots who can put aside their biases to give you all the inside scoop: that America is the best and everyone else sucks.

America reaffirms universal truth: Hockey is ours

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Come see how good America looks.

Come see how good America looks.

It didn’t take a genius to guess what a motivated and, frankly, angry American team would do to a pathetic opponent Canada after losing by a single goal in the wholly meaningless preliminary round. The United States took the ice with purpose and routed the supposedly-favored neighbors (notice the lack of a U) to the north 5-1, in a game that shouldn’t have even been that close.

However, we’re not going to sit here and roll around in “We-Told-You-Sos” and “We-Were-Rights” and “You-Were-Wrongs” and “Your-Country-Is-Awfuls” and “Your-Players-Should-Be-Ashameds” and “We-Love-Your-Excuse-Makings” and “America-Kicked-The-Dogturds-Out-Of-Yous” and “You-Deserved-Its” and “We’re-So-Glad-You-Woke-Up-At-4-A.M.-To-Watch-That-Putrid-Performances” and “We-Own-Hockeys.” We, as Americans, have far too much dignity to stoop the that level. Instead, we’ll let the goals do the talking.

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Wow the US beat the tar out of the Czechs I can’t believe it

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Johnny Gaudreau knows America is great!

Johnny Gaudreau knows America is great!

Another former Soviet Bloc country ran up against the mighty Americans today and, as in the late 1980s and early 1990s, was brought to its knees by the superiority of everything that makes the United States of America great. It’s really not even worth getting into just how badly the US clowned the Czech Republic today, except to say that it scored five power play goals and killed all six such opportunities going the other way.

Johnny Gaudreau, proving he was saving it for games that actually mattered, netted a hat trick for the Americans in this 7-0 win, John Gibson shutout. Jacob Trouba four-point night.  JT Miller three points. Riley Barber two goals. And so forth.

Let’s not forget that in playing both sides of the former Czechoslovakia in its last two games, America hung 16 goals on its opponents after only scoring twice against Canada and Russia. The win today was, in fact, so utterly convincing that even arrogant Canadian scumbags on Twitter are saying they expect a good game, just days after deriding the US as being complete shit despite their only getting a 2-1 win thanks to one bad period. Already running scared. What a bunch of clowns.

USA Plenty, Slovakia Not So Many

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The Slovaks, pictured running as fast as possible from the US team

The Slovaks, pictured running as fast as possible from the US team

Personally we here at the Sleeping Giant stop counting when the US hits four goals since no one has managed to score more than three against the brick wall led by Seth Jones and John Gibson.

We have good intel from US observers buried deep in the Slovakian team structure that the three goals the US gave up was a tip of the cap to laying down for Finland before the tournament: make your future opponents underestimate you.

As proud American Muhammad Ali would tell you: sometimes you need to give someone the rope a dope before charging back and winning when it matters. What else would explain why the US “lost” to Canada and Russia by identical 2-1 scores? How else to explain the US’ preliminary loss to the relegation round bound Finns?

The United States team’s next opponent is the Czech Republic; another 9 goal win and maybe the Czechs and Slovaks should consider becoming one country since they’re right next to each other and both stink. One only wonders what they’d call it? Slovczechia?

Go USA.

Underdogs sneak by superpower US

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Can't we all just get along?

Can’t we all just get along?

In what will perhaps be known as The New Miracle On Ice, Canada somehow managed to defeat the US 2-1 today in Ufa, all but shattering whatever hopes the Americans had of being taken seriously just two days after losing to the Russians, who were not in any way favored in this tournament, by the same score.

“I can only speak for every single person in Canada when I say that beating the USA, who we spent months deriding as worse than a hockey team made up of boulders with smiley faces painted on them, is the crowning achievement of our nation. It’s a shame those Americans don’t have our same high priorities on the things that matter: near-point-per-game NHL-led squads winning by an entire goal,” said prime minister Stephen Harper.

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Canadian propaganda reaches unintentionally hilarious levels

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Mark Scheifele in his natural habitat: Parallel to the ice

Mark Scheifele in his natural habitat: Parallel to the ice

Remember that game against Slovakia wherein Mark Scheifele and other Canadian players dove all over the ice and eventually drew enough penalties to save face in a 6-3 win during which two of its players were kicked out of the game for dirty, illegal hits? Sure you do.

The diving throughout the game was so evident, so obvious even to an idiot, that disgusting Canada homer Ray Ferraro could come up with no better defense for its continued use by his cowardly home country than to praise it as “heady” because the refs were calling it. Of course, had it gone the other way, and the Slovaks were the ones doing it, we would have heard all about how dishonorable and disgusting these soft European pukes were, and how Good Canadian Boys would never stoop to such a level.

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KGB kidnappings finally cost USA

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????????? :(

????????? :(

If you happen to see the American top line in any dingy basements in Ufa over the next few days, we at the Sleeping Giant would really appreciate it if you could cut them free and return them to the US’s hotel as covertly and soon and possible.

For the second straight game, there wasn’t much to convince us that the Americans’ No. 1 line of Johnny Gaudreau, JT Miller and Rocco Grimaldi were good enough to fill the net with pucks as we’ve seen them do at the college and pro levels, and now we have a pretty good idea why: They have been replaced by Russian body doubles. What other possible reason can you use to explain the fact that they have just one goal and no assists between them in two World Junior games? Hell, Sean Kuraly has more points than that and he’s a third-line guy.

The defense continued to sparkle for the US as you might expect — the first Russian goal, which came on the power play following an incredibly dubious penalty, deflected off both an American stick and a Russian body — and America dictated much of the game, but in the end, it seems all the lasers probably being shined into our brave patriots’ eyes by heartless Russian fans was simply too much to overcome. The precision of American passing was so poor that you’d think it was guided by Soviet computers, and there’s simply no other logical explanation.

We at the Sleeping Giant urge the CIA to run another classic American coup d’etat to unseat this evil Russian government and allow Team USA to rise back to its rightful place atop the Group B standings. That would be great. And if you want to install Brian Gionta as prime minister of Canada while you’re at it, we wouldn’t mind that either.

Sleeping Giant’s Three Stars

1. John Gibson

2. KGB operatives

3. The refs

USA Predictably Beats Germany

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Patriotic Patriots Doing Patriotic Things

Patriotic Patriots Doing Patriotic Things

Not even sure why we’re writing this up; the US beat Germany 8-0 despite Johnny Gibson coming out after the second period and Alex Galchenyuk’s line spending the third period playing Xbox behind the bench.

John Gibson likely used his time playing Germany to adjust to the time difference in Ufa by taking a nap while his teammates filled the net. Milwaukee’s own Alex Galchenyuk gave us this embarassingly easy (for him) goal and was kind enough to line it up perfectly with the camera man to show the whole world how it’s done:

It may be worth noting that Canada allowed this squad of foreigners with odd names with smiley faces in the middle to score THREE TIMES on them. Contrary to the Canadian Propaganda that they softened the Germans up it’s clear that the German team was encouraged by their favorable result against Canada (only a minus six) before running into the unending destruction known as Team USA.

Sleeping Giant’s Three Stars

1. Team USA

2. Team USA

3. Team USA

‘Twas the night ‘fore World Juniors

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Have a good holiday unless you are Canadian, in which case don't.

Have a good holiday unless you are Canadian, in which case don’t.

‘Twas the night ‘fore World Juniors, and all throughout Ufa

People were wondering just what Canada’s good for.

If you hate dirty hockey, or evil incarnate,

Know Canada’s the place where both things were started.

 

Their players were all sleeping, no books had they read,

Because the CHL’s bylaws said they must be rockheads.

Steve Spott in his ‘kerchief, dozed lightly at first,

Not even once realizing his team was the worst.

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;)

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WHATS IN THE BOX? (Boone Jenner probably)

WHATS IN THE BOX? (Boone Jenner probably)

“The best thing the Devil did right once was making people think he was dead but he wasn’t dead though.” – Kaiser Sosay, from that movie

Imagine all the flak that came in through our brand new Twitter account, @USAbesthockey, when the final results of this game came down. Sure, 5-1 to the Finns (THE DIRTY FINNS!) isn’t a good look for the final result but as privileged and respected members of the America hockey community, we got a little email last night that tipped us off to the real machinations at work here.

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